Haggee looked around at the mess in dismay. She most certainly did not order a trellis to be put up in her petunia patch. Idiots! Didn't anyone know anything about gardening?

"Madam, you're going to have to move," called out one of the inept gardners in an oversized lawn mower.

She pointed a finger at him, briefly considered a lightning bolt, then smiled a wicked grin. "Sonny, I run a respectible house. I've been out of the business for years, though I wouldn't mind a bit of pocket change, if you're interested." She licked her lips.

His eyes grew wide and his skin turned dead white. He vaulted out of the mower and ran off into the distance.

The lead gardener stormed over. "You've got 5 minutes to get your stuff out before we tear this claptrap down. If you're not out in 5 minutes, then you're going down with it."

"Give me 10, these old bones don't move so fast." She went inside the house. "Some people just go too fast nowadays." She glanced at the clock on the wall. "And some people are just too slow." She headed upstairs into her bedroom and fished out her secret weapon - one of several, actually.

Her hands trembled as she unwrapped her weapon. She sighed as she remembered a time when she used it in quite a different way.

"2 minutes!" came a male voice.

"I'm ready." She flung open the door. "The house is open for business once again." She flaunted secret weapon number one: Victoria's Secrets catalog number 666.

As the dust settled, she remarked, "If I'd known the Olypic track team was here, I'd have done this sooner." She cackled and threw her dress on overtop the lingerie.

She heard an explosion off by the docks and saw a rising pillar of smoke. Damnit! This was getting ridiculous. She raced inside and yanked one of her Encyclopedia Magicas off the shelf. "T ... T ... Transformations." She fingers quickly traced the last entry in the volume. "Transform to butterfly, transform to dog, transform to lawyer - no, already have one of those ... where's the transform to toad?" She flipped to the last page. "Continued in volume 24." She looked at her shelf in dismay. She only had the first 23 volumes! She screamed in frustration. She told everyone that she should get the whole set, but no! Everyone told her that she already had more than enough spells and how many spells were there at the end of the alphabet, any way?

She threw the book down in disgust. "I'll just charcoal the lot of them, promise or not!"

She raged the entire length to the docks, imagining the wonder aroma of burnt flesh, picturing the graceful swirl of ash as it was carried by the ocean breeze. She stopped short as she heard two voices arguing; one was an unfamiliar female voice, but the other was a voice she recognized well, even if the spoiled brat didn't call home enough.

"Sweat Pea! Or are you still calling yourself Ice P?" She planted her hands on her hips. "I haven't had a call from you in months! And who is this one and why don't I see a ring on her finger?"

"Aw, c'mon Auntie."

"Now don't you Auntie me." She turned to the girl beside him. "And what's your name, dearie?"

"Anita."

"Well, I supposed I'll forgive you for not calling since you're here now. And what's the special occasion?"

"Auntie, you're in danger. They're drilling for oil here."

"Now that's ridiculous. I never liked Olive, but if I were going to kill her, I'd make sure they couldn't find the body. Besides, the last I heard, she was getting some of her implants redone. Third time this year."

The girl made a choking sound.

"Umm ... oil, o-i-l, Auntie."

"Now that's the way it should be spelled, but that girl never was too bright. The only smart thing she ever did was that Lazy Sick thing so she could see straight. Of course, then she broke up with Popeye and started that whole, awful, compulsive plastic surgery nonsense, but the eye surgery itself was a good idea."

Pea started to say something, but the girl punched his arm and interjected. "Why don't we get our bags from what's left of that boat and we'll talk?"

Haggee patted Pea's hand. "My bones are too old to carry things nowadays. And this breeze is cutting right through me." And even with the dress, the lingerie was very drafty. "I'll just go up ahead and get a pot of tea going."

Pea and Anita looked at each other with pained sympathy. "Okay, Auntie. We'll be up in a few."

Haggee whistled innocently as she walked back towards the house. She was begining to worry that Pea would never show up to comfort poor, crackled little Auntie. She let a grin twist across her face. It was so amazing what those computer crackerjackers could do these days! Just a few numbers here and a few false readings there and you could get companies to jump through all sorts of hoops. Mr. J. Carlton Wimbleton might have the personality of a greasy doorknob, but give him a computer and he was Mr. Wizard.

She stumbled over one of the ripped up flagstones at the edge of her garden. No one took any pride in their work these days. Well, when all this was done, she was going to call up that landscaping company and give them a piece of her mind!

RC13