If you soften it a bit, it will be much better. Right now it reads like a hockey game. biff boom bamm boom bamm biff biff. I keep telling my daughter she needs to glide a little more when she skates, the same is true here. Don't take my words as harsh; Don't feel your poem worth less; It's just your words tend to be hard; They need to find finess. Keep on writing and find that fine in finess.