Klaus- 2 main things come to mind. Ryhme..you're on your way there, but the main thing with lyrics I would suggest is meter..the rhythm of the words as they're sung. Often just saying the words to yourselve will convey the beat, even the notes themselves. Right now it kinda..well, maybe you could rap to it, but I dunno..;)
As for the translation, a Gentile is someone who's either non-Jewish, or non-Mormon. As it stands, all I can say is you're getting good drugs, and we all want to know where..;)
In your defense, translation is a very hard thing to do, between grammar, idioms, and sometimes there's just some words that can't be translated. Sometimes you work for years on it (I've known a few translators and linguists)..and some really famous works have never been 'successfully' translated Dante's Inferno trilogy comes to mind.
Tell ya what- just for giggles, try posting it in it's original language, whatever that might be. Maybe someone else will have an idea of how to bring out the original feeling. All I can say is no sabe, jeune ce pas, ya nye znayu, ich veist nicht, mor di na..(all misspelled I know, but 'I don't know' is such a useful phrase, I know it in 5 languages..;) Take care.

I wish I'd said that.. The Staircase Wit

anahl nathrak uth vas betude doth yel dyenvey..;)