I'd suggest a few tweaks to the poem. The first two words seem to be a poem title more than the opener. Away Message: A dark whisper clouds the mind, As a hidden thought creeps through the night. The sun sets for the final time; The sound of the wind rises As I say my goodnights and my good-byes... The next poem is a bit confusing. The timing is off. Being very literal-minded, it bugged me. You start off the poem with 12 rings, then go back to rings 4, 8 and 12, which seem to occur quite quickly. After that, you pause for a time, then talk about leaving before the bell tolls again. Is it chiming 13 times? Are you leaving between midnight and one? It may seem trivial, but since the poem makes a big deal about the chimes of the bell, I paid a lot of attention to the timing and I got confused when the timing got confused. As for the story, it's off to a good start, but the descriptions don't flow that well together. A good part of the problem to me is the short, choppy sentences. Short sentences are best for action and emphasis. I think if you combined some of the sentences together, the story would flow better. Hope this helps, Cres the literal-minded ;-)