Here is just the tip of the iceberg as far as all the truly awful writing I have to get out of my system is concerned. It was scarily easy to write. I don't hold out much hope of you enjoying it, but please, try to muffle your groans. I did it for arts sake. What's your excuse? lol Shanna ;-) We enter our scene. An old lady, dressed immaculately in a pale pastel coloured suit, her short grey hair preserved in precise waves, is sat at an elegant mahogany ladys writing desk. Her parchment pale hands move steadily over the heavy weight paper as she moves the gold nibbed fountain pen. Each curling letter issuing in perfect alignment with the preceeding one. We look over her straight backed form to see the letter she is writing.... Dear Son, Thank you for your letter informing me that the wedding your father remortgaged the house for is off. If you have no better suggestions for the disposal of the wedding cake I slaved over a hot stove to make I will give it to the local church fete as a prize for the tombola. I decided to write you this letter to cheer you up and to let you know my thoughts on the matter. You know what they say, mother knows best. I'm sorry to hear that your girlfriend has left you with nothing more than an overdraft, a pile of unpaid bills and a reputation for being less well endowed than other men. I'm sure this whole sorry situation seems like a bad dream to you. Wake up and smell the coffee son, it's life kicking you in the teeth. As far as your bills are concerned if you're looking for a loan, it'll be a cold day in hell before I get your father to put his hand in his back pocket after this latest stunt of yours. You've made the whole family a laughing stock. You're father is not best pleased. I'm sorry if you don't like it, but you are going to have to stand on your own two feet and face this like a man. I hear she also mentioned you have some timing problems. Don't even bother denying it. Perhaps you should consult a doctor? Try not to worry about it, nobody's perfect. We all have our cross to bear. Let's leave it at that. Anyway, I'm sure the gossip will die down in a few months, and this whole mess will blow over. Let's face facts. Shit happens, but will it all matter in a hundred years? You've got to pick yourself up off the floor and get on with life. I don't see why it should come as such a shock to you to discover she has left you for your best friend. Everyone else knew all about it months ago. I know he was going to be your best man, and as you ought to know, part of a best mans job is to stand in for the groom, in case of emergencies. Perhaps they were just practising and got carried away? According to Mrs Smith at the post office, he's going around telling people "he came, he saw and he conquered." I have to say, he's making you sound like a complete loser. But if the cap fits, wear it. Now son, you've got to buck up your ideas a little, love hurts. You've got to remember to always look on the bright side of life, it's better to find these things out now than later. At least now you know who your friends are. I understand they have all sided with her, but now you know where you stand. You'll make new friends. Maybe. Anyway, there's plenty more fish in the sea. She wasn't worth it anyway. If all else fails, I hear you can buy yourself a wife on the internet nowadays. How times have changed. When I was young, things were so much better. You young people today, you just don't know when you're well off. Don't forget, what goes around comes around, it's all swings and roundabouts, but if it's any consolation, at the end of the day, she'll get what's coming to her. Time will tell. Until then, I'm afraid you'll have to wait and see. I feel for you, I really do, about the way she ruined a perfectly good carpet by sowing watercress on it. Did you do something to offend her perhaps? I feel obliged to tell you, I always thought she was no good. I mean to say, what else would you expect of a stripper? Bad blood will tell and if you lie down with dogs, well son, you just have to face it, sooner or later you're going to get up with fleas. Leaving your phone connected to the speaking clock in Australia was quite childish as well. I myself value originality in revenge. You've only got yourself to blame you know, at the end of the day life is what you make it. Make sure you learn from your mistakes this time. Just take it one step at a time and you'll see, the right one will come along in time. Just have patience. You need to learn to love yourself. We are all alone. Well, obviously your ex fiancee isn't, or your best friend, or myself and your father. Now that I stop to think about it, do you actually know any singletons nowadays? Anyway, you are all alone. Now is the time to stop and take stock of your life. Turn over a new leaf and learn from your mistakes. Perhaps you could take up a new hobby? Make yourself a bit more interesting? After all, if you can't enjoy your own company, how could anyone else? Well, look how time flies when you're having fun? I'm so glad we've had this little heart to heart. It has certainly cleared the air. I'm sorry if you think I have been a little harsh, but sometimes you just have to be cruel to be kind. I must go, I have so much to do. I've got to see a man about a dog. I hope this letter has cheered you up. You know I only want whats best for you. I'm very proud of you really, and I know you won't let us down, doing something embarrassing; for instance crying like a baby in the street again, as you did last weekend. In the cirucmstances I would appreciate it if you could return the engagement ring as soon as possible. It is, after all a family heirloom and I suspect one of your brothers is likely to need it first. Next time, look before you leap. Do write soon and just remember, we're always here for you. Our thoughts are with you. Keep your chin up son. All my love, Your Mother. (Mrs A. Cliche) ps your father sends his regards. All comments welcome cos that that does not kill me makes me stronger...doesn't it? Shanna :-) okay, I can stop cliche-ing now. Well, I can try.....