Forum Moderators: wheatpenny, Wolfenshire
Writers F.A.Q (Last Updated: 2024 Nov 29 6:28 am)
(This is a perfect example of just inside the TOS for content, but not in a "trying to get away with something" sort of way.) ;-) Very tastefully done. With freeform, it's more difficult to talk about some of the usual poetry items, such as rhyme and pattern, but you did set up a good flow, with some near repetition - enough to unite the stanzas but not enough to seem repetitive. Minor nitpicks: Rhythm is spelled wrong. I can't help but notice that considering how many times the word pops up. (Is the "good at Rhino gene" also the "bad at spelling" gene?) ;-}~ I'd put a comma after Forth in the third stanza so it better parallel's the Up And Down portion. The first 7 lines of the last stanza seems a bit awkward. Since this is the aftermath, wouldn't the words be less huried and flow together better? I'm not sure what to suggest, but it bothers me a bit. Thanks for stopping by, and don't be a stranger! Cheers!
Same gene, Crescent...it's actually a requirement for learning Rhino. :) Thanks for the critiques! I didn't run my silly spell checker before posting (after much grief in getting one). The trouble I think is that the way I wrote the darn thing was that there was a cascading effect to the broken lines...sort of like a waterfall or "rain". It looks and feels better on paper but seeing it like this, I can understand where you're coming from. I'll have to keep that in mind. I will add the comma, as I often don't know when to use one in poetry. I have a teaser for a Dodge and Burn story I'd like to put up but as it isn't finished I fear to do so. Thanks again and smack me on the head because I plum forgot the TOS applied here too! (say it with me now, "Bad, Teyon! BAD!"
Actually, I wasn't being sarcastic when I said that you were within TOS. (And I'd have deleted the post and given you a warning if it wasn't. Ooh, giving a fellow mod an official warning! Hee! Hee!) I've had a few people ask how adult a piece can be, and yours is a great example. It's obviously about sex and love, but you don't get explicit or vulgar. In poetry, use commas where they look good. I'm not a poetry whiz, so that's the best info I can give. If your Dodge and Burn story is a first draft, feel free to post it. After all, we're here to help improve technique, polish things up, etc. On the other hand, if you have only 10 words out of 10,000 written, then you might want to get it a bit more done before posting. ;-) Yes, it's late and I'm getting silly .... Have a great night!
Thanks Crescent! It's just the prelude that's finished and the prelude actually is a piece of the ending. The rest of it is supposed ot be told in a flashback kind of thing but I haven't had the time to put it to page yet. So, I could post the prelude but it would be some time before a follow up I'm afraid. Best to wait then. Thanks again and sleep well. :) -T.
Hi there, I'm no expert, but to me, this is a beautiful poem. It captures the moment so well, the rhythem and the structure is, IMHO, excellent. I really enjoyed reading it, it's so beautiful. I even gave it to my BF to read, and he loved it too. So I guess it means something. ;) Can't wait for your next one! :)
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Raining I feel more than hear The gentle sigh you breathe beneath me We move slowly you and I Enjoying the moment Enjoying the rain Water falling in waves One After Another Some drops hard as stone and some soft Like your skin You're breathing harder now As am I Moving to the rythm of the rain outside Spinning Turning Learning Loving Moving to the rythm of the rain Hearts racing our hands searching And in each other finding what we seek Up And Down, Back And Forth Moving to the rythm of the rain. Our slow dance picks up its pace Our sighs become moans I scream your name like lightning You sigh mine like thunder As we're moving to the rythm of the rain outside As we're moving to the rythm of the rain You Whisper Something I Can't Hear Yet somehow know the meaning. I return with the phrase, "I love you" And find your smile above me As we listen to the rythm of the rain outside As we listen to the rythm of the rain.