This one made me laugh because I've seen it so often: Brian stood there and stared at the door long after I'd fled the scene. How would the narrator know what Brian did after she left? And yet I've see that happen over and over again. Putting a descriptive adverb after every verb of speech, and having to say "said" in too many different ways is a pet peeve of mine. Shanna is so right about the over-the-top emotions and long explanations of history that drag the story to a halt. Run on sentences. "...he asked softly with a worried look." I don't think so. The cliche of having someone describe themelves in a mirror. People don't talk to each other by saying first names in each sentence. I'll let someone else have a turn now.