When I wrote my entry for the April Challenge, I sat there thinking of all the rules of good writing and broke as many of them as I could squeeze into a short space. Here's the quiz - identify all the rules I broke when writing this little slice of torture. In case you've managed to block the story out of your memories, here it is again. (I'm not responsible for any therapy bills arising from this exercise!) ***************** I caught just a glimpse of him as he wandered up. At 6 feet tall, with non-descript, dark brown hair, blue eyes, a medium build and lightly tanned skin, he looked like the accountant he was. The maroon polo shirt emblazoned with the Chitum and Hau logo and the dull, beige slacks did nothing for his underexercised figure that had started to go to pot. I sighed and looked at my own reflection in the window as he approached. Barely over 5 feet, with short, unstylish, mousey brown hair, myopic brown eyes, and pale, uneven skin, I was no catch, either. I looked down to my fingernails which desperately needed a new manicure and something other than baby-pink fingernail polish, and despaired. "Brenda, what's wrong?" he asked softly with a worried look. "Brian, I'm afraid that it's just not going to work out," I replied forlornly. "But, Brenda, we make sense as a couple," he argued quietly. "Everyone says we make sense as a couple, Brian, but I need my space," I replied resolutely. He tapped his foot impatiently like a little kid who wanted something. "Brenda, you've been talking with Bobbie, your best friend since 3rd grade again haven't you? You know she hates me after I accidentally spilled punch down her shirt so everyone saw her bra was stuffed with Kleenex!" he exclaimed. "Bobbie never did forgive you, Brian, but she is my best friend and she looks out for me, but that's not what brought this on," I argued resolutely. "Then what brought this on?" he queried confusedly. "What brought this on is the present that you gave me last December as an anniversary present that I hated so much that I cried for days," I replied angrily. "But you remember how I helped you return the present to the store, and I even got you that expensive ring as an apology," he countered desperately. I smoothed my ankle-length green silk skirt with deep yellow and azure trim that I'd gotten as an Easter present two years ago as I contemplated an answer. "I know you got me that 2 carat diamondelle ring with the 12 carat gold filigree, and I do love it, but I don't love you!" I jumped up and ran out the door, unable to give voice to my overwhelming despair. Brian stood there and stared at the door long after I'd fled the scene.

Um.... I'm just guessing here, but I really would like to know the answers because this bears an uncanny resemblance to most of my writing :-) So, are you putting too many unneccessary details into each thing? I mean things like the whole history of Brenda in a sentence, the complete descriptions of every item of clothing, or the insurance style description of the ring? They don't seem to help the story. The bits describing how the couple talk after every single bit of dialogue seem wrong as well (eg he countered desperately) but I don't know why. Some of the words seem wrong (gotten) Last guess. Are the emotions portrayed just a bit 'over the top' for the story...overwhelming despair etc... Shanna Muppet:-) Watching this thread with interest...I wanna know.

This one made me laugh because I've seen it so often: Brian stood there and stared at the door long after I'd fled the scene. How would the narrator know what Brian did after she left? And yet I've see that happen over and over again. Putting a descriptive adverb after every verb of speech, and having to say "said" in too many different ways is a pet peeve of mine. Shanna is so right about the over-the-top emotions and long explanations of history that drag the story to a halt. Run on sentences. "...he asked softly with a worried look." I don't think so. The cliche of having someone describe themelves in a mirror. People don't talk to each other by saying first names in each sentence. I'll let someone else have a turn now.

'tis a bit florid, forsooth, yet humble I hath barely 'scaped with my teeth from grammar's unyeilding grip..to teach such a one, wouldst require mastery of that dark art..mayhaps the need for a blue or black ink pen didst stymie my absorbtion of it. A coupla run-on sentences for sure..maybe this could go in the 'Bad Hemingway' contest. And green with azure and yellow?..that must be it..;)

You guys got some of them. Here's a clue for a subtler one: it has to do with the names. (It's technically not a rule, but a suggestion I've read in many writing books.) Boy, writing this badly did help. By concentrating on breaking all the rules, I really had to think about each one. I can look at some of my other stuff and see where I've accidentally broken them.

Oh, I know this one from sad experience. Avoid having names that all have the same first letter (unless it is a plot device) ... nor should they sound alike (it's very hard for readers to tell Brandy, Mandy, and Randy apart). Of course any rule can be broken for effect, but, for clarity, it's wise to take notice of them.

Funny thing this. It is written in the same style as a blind writer would carry on. All those descriptive words in order to paint a picture in his/her own mind. The name thing would be worse if it were Brenda and Brendan. Can you believe I have actually tried to read an entire novel with that problem? Too confusing.

The problem is not that the words aren't descriptive, but they are shoved in heavily and break the flow of the dialogue. The point of the scene is lost in all the unnecessary details. Saying something has a "Chitum and Hau logo" is not descriptive for me because I don't know what such a logo looks like. Actually, I think I've read a novel that this scene could have been lifted from. Maybe Crescent would be a best seller if she didn't write so well most of the time. !

LOL yeah need to dumb it down in order to sell in paperback!