You could try using a Kenwood PC Processor (PC=pre-cooking) to re-constitute the spam texture. With the resultant mass could then be metaballed into a burger sort of shape. With an onion added for reflectivity, the whole thing gets re-heated and placed between two pre-rendered baps.....result...spam-burger!!!!!

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All the Woes of a World by Jonathan Icknield aka The Bryster

And in my final hours - I would cling rather to the tattooed hand of kindness - than the unblemished hand of hate...