hey all, this my first poem on this board. I'd like some feedback. Might be about content, or style/ layout or whatever. English is not my 1st language but I think I'm pretty close to mastering it. However if there are spelling mistakes or weird constructions, please tell me :)

Global Pressure

As democracy tends to pride itself
Its rarely more benign than communism
If not for the flaws of humanity
Systematic approaches would fit perfectly

The ones who believe those who dont
Are merely aristocratic possession
They cover the holes of society for those
Who drift the hearts of men apart

Global democracy deceives the gullible
And moulds ignorance into a point of view
That belittles the sense of civilization
And negates the content of society

Welcome and I hope this not your last posting on the board. I am always impressed with how people for whom English is not a first language are able to use it powerfully and eloquently. Thank you so much for posting.

It's certainly not my last posting. I just started writing poetry again after my infamous pc crash in which i lost all of my 114 poems :( Nope, no back ups of them. Some of my images are accompanies by small poems/ statements of 4 lines. 4 lines are easy, since they allow you to make a powerful message in a few words. And from an art point of view: less is more :) To be honest I don't know what it is I can post on this board... just poems and short stories or are lyrics accepted as well? and images with a poem in them (text)?Anyway, I think that poetry and images go hand in hand very well. Since you can interpret a poem in many ways, the poem adds a visual explaination.

Attached Link: Writers' Gallery

Lyrics are fine. Images with poems are fine. And, don't forget, there's a writer's gallery now as well. The only suggestion is that if the work is very long that you might consider breaking it into several postings for ease of reading. Explore the archives...you'll see quite a range of possibilities.

Welcome. I think if it's written by you, and it meets the general terms of service, you can post it here. Words is words. ;-) I'm not good at critiqueing poetry, so not much help in that regard. I read your poem twice, and the rhythm seems a bit off to me. But as I said, I'm no expert. As to English usage, the one line that struck me as perhaps not quite as intended (and perhaps just as you intended as far as I know) is Who drift the hearts of men apart Perhaps it would be better with the word "drive" instead of "drift"? Keep on posting. jon

You write in English better than a lot of native-born Americans. I'd change the first line to read: Though democracy tends to pride itself instead of As democracy tends to pride itself "As" means "Because" in this case, so the meaning isn't clear. You're trying to contradict the fact democracy thinks it's more benign than communism, so I think "Though" (which would mean "Despite the fact that") would be a better choice. Otherwise, the poem is nice and succinct, with the meanings very clear. I'm not a poet, so I can't go into the finer points of meter and such, but if you mean to have a semi-poetic political statement, I think it works very well. As for what you can post, images are fine so long as either you created the images yourself or you have permission from the original creator to post them here. Cheers! Cres

Thanks for all your comments. They were really helpful. As far as the "As democracy tends to pride itself" is concerned. I meant the "As" as the equivalent of "while". For example: As I'm standing here, it's getting colder and colder". I will change the drift part though. I was getting confused by rift, drift, drive, rip, etc etc. :)

Any attempt to empower the individual on a planet with six billion plus is doomed to failure. One voice is lost in the babble. To give power is to relinquish it as well. Good job Rik.