Forum: Writers


Subject: There is the Sun

jstro opened this issue on Sep 06, 2003 ยท 5 posts


Crescent posted Thu, 18 September 2003 at 10:06 PM

Sorry for the delay on this. I kept going over this, trying to figure out what was nagging at me. It finally hit me - I think you're selling your poem short by lumping everything together into one stanza instead of bringing out some of your lines by giving them breathing space - white space. I've read the poem several times and nothing stuck because you shyly hid your words in the midst of the poem. Here's my suggestions, mostly just breaking up the poem, plus a few minor word changes:

You make life so complicated when it is so simple,
Always questioning everything you see.
Nothing is as it seems, you say.
Nothing is real.

But I am real.

I breath and walk and think.
I see the world -
Not through rose colored glasses as you claim -
But as it is.
Warts and all.
I see that it is beautiful,
Despite the blemishes,
The pains.

We look at the dawn together.

You see the torment of ages.
I see the sun.

Cheers!