TOP TWELVE TIPS FOR A SAFE AND HAPPY SAMHAIN 12 Never play strip poker with a Tarot deck. 11 Never invoke anything bigger than your head. 10 Due to the imminent risk of fire, please refrain from smoking while stamping out crop circles. 9 If the invoking ritual goes wrong, stay away from the High Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous first. 8 Never screw anything whose genetic structure you are not absolutely comfortable with. 7 Never admit to having screwed anything whose genetic structure you were not absolutely comfortable with. 6 Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the shit goes down, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the monstrosity to banish and the monstrosity that will fade away on its own after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good nap. 5 Blood tests and liability release forms are now required for all sacrificial victims prior to participating in ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been able to be recounted by anyone living, or even intact. 4 Taking bits of the ritual sacrifice home for the dog is generally considered to be bad form. 3 Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Also, pastel-colored candles in shapes of cute animals are a veritable welcome mat to the Powers of Darkness. 2 When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they'd just remember this simple safety tip. And the number one tip for a safe and happy Samhain is 1 When mutilating cattle, try to avoid the ones with testicles. 93 BB and all that...