Good plan to set something aside and wait awhile before editing it as you've done. Really gives you a fresh eye on the piece. Given that, maybe you should listen to your fresh eye. If it seems awkward to you, how will it seem to the reader that does not share your insights? Sort of the point of setting it aside for a while, isn't it. So that problem areas jump out at you. If they're jumping, they probably need some attention. jon

 
~jon
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