shemia, a cool shocking short. I like it.
However, there are some issues. I think the story is too short. A low word count is no virtue by itself, especially not in the horror genre.

Firstly, I think this is potentially a very suspenceful story. But it is so short, it is over before the tension has a chance to build up. This also weakens the shocking ending, because the reader hardly has the time to relate to the pitiable protagonist.

Secondly, I detect a disproportional amount of exposition here. After a very catchy and graphic first paragraph you feed the reader with two paragraphs of information, culminating with the sentence: "This is why he was here. ...". This is what I read between the lines: "So now you know. Lets go on with the story." Please try to weave the necessary background information into your story and try to maintain the pace of your wonderful first paragrapgh. Then I think you are on to something great.

Thirdly, in a very short story, there is always the danger of writing "on the nose" the unfortunate tendency of telling instead of showing. Again, your first paragrapgh is great (though you could omit the "Damned cold", he muttererd." We already feel the cold. No need for a monologue here). I think the climax of your story could be improved, by not just telling us what happens. Instead, it would be better to write what the poor guy feels and let the reader deduce, what has actually happend. You need a few more lines to pull that of. Also, the I-told-you-so speech of the killer is on the nose. Be more subtle, so the reader feels smart by realizing the horrible truth.

Please, dont be too curt!

Finaly, I think there is a problem in the story itself that you should work around somehow. Because so far all dead bodies had been male, I had a hard time considering the woman a potential victim of the serial killer. If you want to shock us with an alledged victim turned villain, you have to get rid of that contradiction.

I hope this was helpful.

Message edited on: 08/30/2004 06:05