Dear Mr Draculaz, One was most pleased to receive notification of your wishes to become a citizen of Bukina Faso. Such a fine, upstanding member of the Rumanian Republic would be most welcome under normal circumstances. However, at this time we feel we should inform you that unless you have: professional qualifications in an internationaly recognised discipline that are varifiable under the terms of the Hague Convension an affidavit from your Doctor stating that you have renounced the sucking of blood a note from your mum, any application presented by your good self would unfortunately of necessity be denied. We hope this clarifies our immigration policy. Yours sincerely Umgo Bwanawhatagun (Mrs) CEO Bukina Faso Immigration Agency.

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All the Woes of a World by Jonathan Icknield aka The Bryster

And in my final hours - I would cling rather to the tattooed hand of kindness - than the unblemished hand of hate...