I don't know if this is personal or not-- I do know if you want to make a "last pic" you probably don't want to die. And I have a long record of wanting to die. Comparing one's situation to the tsunami victims or anybody who's suffered worse than you just exacerbates the whole desire. You want to die And you haven't got the reasons for it, so you've failed on both levels. Like I say, I Have been there. And I'll be there again. When I am, I won't be interested in any kind of art before I go. Pity, but an interesting guidepost. Right now, I do want to create something to go with my writing, so I don't want to die, more than I want to live. Just a comparison of realities-- and like all comparisons, this too is odious. Rawnrr makes a good point though-- nothing communicates gut level emotion better than real color held in your hand smeared on real paper. By the way black is a color. oh, and hope is ephemeral, kinda the flip side of depair-- it is hard to get ahold of, sometimes harder to believe in when you have it. Music, light, anything that engages the senses is easier to grasp than hope. I've pulled myself out with music a lot. A living being to touch-- like a pet, dog cat, lover-- no I don't think a lover is a pet, but dog's love is so unconditional, if you don't have a dog a lover will do ;)-- very hard to die when you're cuddling a pup. An incredibly funny movie helps too- Men In Black saved my @ss just last night. Do what you have to and need to-- you have that right, and damn, is it hard to live sometimes-- but give everything at least one day to change cause change will come. It has to--that's the law. Absolutely nothing stays the same. Take care, real care, of yourself. Life can be as sickening as can be, but individuals aren't that boring abstraction Life. They and you are fascinating, wonderful, miraculous. When you're through puking over the cliches, think about this, I'm 60, life can get incredibly sickening, painful, and unbearable in 60 years, and what I said about individuals is still true! Emily by the way, if this is a spoof, I don't care, someone somewhere is reading this for whom it's not. One of those people is me. Oh, whatever art you make, make everybody naked. You don't have to worry about clothes conforming and bodies are really cool.