Forum: Photography


Subject: Ok

DHolman opened this issue on Mar 23, 2005 ยท 22 posts


DHolman posted Thu, 24 March 2005 at 11:54 AM

After reading the posts and some IM's and email, I guess I should have explained more in my initial post; whether I wanted to or not. Would have been the right thing to do. I'm sorry if I don't directly answer a comment or question asked. Just too much stuff.

First, let me say that those of you who know me know that I rarely make emotional, snap decisions in matters like this. You're not going to see me delete my gallery because someone didn't like the color of the border I chose for my image. This time is no different. This is a decision made over months, not days.

You guys know how busy I am and how much value I place on my free time. I think how much of that time I chose to spend here - even to the point of staying up a little later than I should or waking up a little earlier than normal - in the past says a lot about this forum and the people here. It was a place that I genuinely looked forward to going to. A place where my laughing out loud was commonplace.

These days I look at coming here with a level of sadness, dread and the expectation that something else has blown up. Putting it simply, I can no longer invest the time, energy and emotion into the forum when the return has become an almost regular dose of frustration and turmoil. You can agree or not, but it's the way I feel.

This is not about one argument. It's not about one person. It's not about one action. It's about a spiraling pattern that this forum has been undergoing for some time and I can't even pinpoint when it started.

Whenever a disagreement comes up, the same messages about honesty, truth and fact come bouncing in. If anyone wants to associate themselves with that statement and see me as pointing them out unfairly; go right ahead. Knock yourself out. I no longer have any interest in explaining its a generalization.

The problem is that everyone seems so busy personalizing everything said, they fail to see that it's not a matter of right/wrong, truth/lies or black/white. It's grey with both sides usually having valid points. This last blowup was no different and if people could have simply stepped back from their emotions and ego - stepped back and really looked - they would have seen validity on both sides of the argument. Instead, sides were chosen, old wounds re-opened as always and you were either on one side or the other whether you ascribed to that interpretation or not. Situation as usual here on the forum these days. Well to hell with that.

I don't know how this message is coming across. I've tried to keep it even and somewhat emotionless and not angry, but damnit. In the past few months I've lost a good friend at work. I've lost one of the most important women in my life. And now I've fucking lost one of the only places where I could come to just truly relax and let the anxieties of real-life go and along with it, a lot of people I truly care for and would call friend. So yea, I am angry. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at the members of the forum. I'm angry at the mods and co-ordinators. I'm angry at the staff.

We had something special here and we all let it slip away. We had something special and we cared more about ourselves than the forum and the experience we shared being a member of that forum. And no matter how much hand-ringing we do, it will never be the same again. Between the anger and blowups and crap, we try to paint a veneer of normalcy and happiness over it all and talk about how good things are going. But I think everyone who is a regular here can feel the underlying tension and knows that no matter how long it's quiet, the next big blowup is just slightly under the surface. The forum is a powder keg and at this point, the sparks only need to be very small to set the whole thing off. At least, that's how I see it.

And to answer one last question, am I gone for good? I honestly can't say. Coming here makes me sad. I don't like that feeling. Whether or not that will change in time, I don't know. Whether or not I just stop coming into the forum and just drop into the gallery from time to time, I don't know. All I know is I can't be here right now.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense. I've tried to explain it as best I can. Justified, unjustified, cowardly, stupid, understandable, incomprehensible ... shrug I'll leave each of you to interpret my leaving as you see fit.

These are such sad days ...

Message edited on: 03/24/2005 11:57