Forum: Writers


Subject: September Challenge Commenting Thread

dido6 opened this issue on Sep 06, 2005 ยท 28 posts


jstro posted Sat, 01 October 2005 at 11:21 AM

General comment: I approached each entry as if it were fiction. Several of them read very much like they were not fiction, so I hope I have not tread on anyone's sensitivities. To approach them as non-fiction would make it very hard (for me at least) to separate critique of the written word from the personality that created it. For example, if the author of #6 really was employed at the WTC just before it was destroyed then my comments are quite insensitive, and I apologize. Journals, after all, are very private peeks into someone's most personal thoughts, feelings, desires and fears. I also think that journal entries are hard to critique from a technical point of view because who can say what's right or wrong about them? As with dialog, things such as spelling, grammar, and punctuation - while not meaningless - become remote concerns. The bad spelling, grammar or punctuation could very well be the way the character is intended to write. #1 I admit this one's mine. Not sure I'm supposed to say that, but it would seem pretty odd if I commented on all but one. Writing in the vernacular can be dangerous, but I felt like journals are written very much like people talk in a very informal manner. So I opted for the vernacular. Hope it worked. #2 Good description, both of the physical setting and the emotional tautness of waiting for the time to pass. At first I was a bit confused by the revelation in the next to last paragraph that the polluted coffee had yet to pass my lips when I could have sworn earlier paragraphs indicated otherwise. But on reflection I think the person took the coffee and, in the nervous fidgeting of the wait, just never got around to drinking it i.e. it was just something to occupy the hands. Let me know if I'm wrong. I must admit the phrase (blessings be upon its four walls and all that is within) got a bit old. And I stumbled badly over actory in other such actory words. On the other hand to think actorish thoughts did not cause me pause at all. #3 Not sure why but this one did not particularly grab me. I think, because it read like a long litany of complaints, I just had difficulty sympathizing with the character. And then there was no resolution at the end. A take this job and shove it ending would have at least been some sort of resolution, though I know most people would just trudge on as written. Just not very satisfying. I am no mechanic (I know how to turn the key in the ignition) but from my uninformed point of view there seemed to be inconsistency in the two items whole engine overhauled last week and the note to shelf to change the oil filter. If the whole engine had just been overhauled, would it likely need a new oil filter already? It very well might, but it seemed inconsistent to me. #4 I was a little confused with the various way points and modes of travel in the man's journey. He took a ship to Belfast, then talks about a train station en route to London. Then we are suddenly in Bucharest. A few more dates, in way of creating transitions, may have helped clarify this for me. For example, if youre on a train to London three or four days after being in Belfast, that works. However, if youre taking a train from Belfast to London, well that does not. I liked how the children's voices touched him in the December 24th entry. Some glimmer of hope in an otherwise very melancholy mood. I never did understand what the bureau was, though it was referred to several times. Perhaps a newspaper bureau? Or an embassy? I found the whole piece reminiscent of the mood from Dracula when they were going back to Transylvania to finish him off, once and for all. #5 I really don't know what to say about this one other than it really does not seem to touch me. As a journal entry it works OK, but I get no real sense of the person behind the journal, no emotional attachment, other than he (or she) is a bit homesick. There is no conflict and therefore no resolution, so there is no real hook for the reader. #6 This one definitely builds sympathy for the journal writer, seemingly trapped in a hopeless situation. You can feel the tension build through the whole piece until she at last takes the bull by the horns and quits, despite the risks. You can really feel for her when she admits to having taken her frustrations out on her kids. Unfortunately the last entry left me a little flat it seemed not to carry the emotional impact such a horrific event would have instilled. It may be unfair, but the writer just did not seem nearly devastated or outraged enough. On a rather fine note, the writer seems to be British and the events American. That is fine, there certainly were British workers in the World Trade Center. But then she talks about visiting her mother for the weekend, which makes it sound like she's got local roots, i.e. an American. It just seems to be a little inconsistent.

 
~jon
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