Attached Link: http://www.renderosity.com/viewed.ez?galleryid=340426&Start=1&Artist=ChuckEvans&ByArtist=Yes&Form.s

At the invitation of the writer, I find myself commenting on his submittal though I have no credibility or credentials to do so.

I'll preface my remarks with an indication that my opinion may well be biased as I find myself in slight awe of the writer's imagination and artistic abilities.

Story concept:

Who can pass up a good futuristic bounty-hunter story (especially one set in Dystopia)? I have already "flirted" with M on a previous attempt at a graphic that incorporated his "Santa Claus" database and SciFi corridor set (link attached wink). A bounty-hunter in the future is a common enough idea, I suppose, but if one's imagination is adequate, it can be different enough to distance itself from all the other "pulp" out there.

What is being written?

That's the first thing to be decided. Well--hehe--after one determines one has the TIME to write, M! From my perspective, and relating to the comments above, I'd say the pace feels a bit rushed. But, that assumes it's a novella/novel. When the reader chooses to read this piece, assuming it's a book of sorts, s/he already knows it's a future piece, so there is no need to rush so much "techno-babble" into the introductory paragraphs. Just my opinion. On the other hand, if it's a short story or comic, then a certain amount of "rush" is needed. Of course, the words in those cases are usually helped by illustrations. Once the writer has decided what the words are destined to be (short story or long story), THAT should be one of the main factors in the pace of delivery.

[side note from the procrastinator in me: for over a year, I've toyed with the idea of something between a comic and a novel that would be more like an illustrated book than a comic...with a "graphic to written page ratio" of about 1 to 5]

Critique (so far):

I think the writer does a good job at "stringin' words" so's they're interestin'. (sorry, leftovers from too much Serenity watchin', I'm afraid). Could it be better? I believe so. Is it bad? I don't think so. Specifically--and this is just ME and MY preferences talking which likely have nothing to do with good and successful writing--I wish the pace was slower. A good deal of time was spent on the main character's name and derivation (etc.) but the reader has no description of the bar/establishment. I think some description of the inside of the bar would be useful as well as a prelude to the main character exiting the establishement and presenting us with a "glimpse" of Dystopia in the early morning. Help set the stage for us, so to speak. We get a short (fairly adequate) description of our hunter and his name but not enough about our surroundings. Considering our (smile) main character is a bounty-hunter, it would be nature to let him take note of the suroundings and let what he sees be our descriptions (if I'm making myself clear). Of course, if the sole intent was just to spend time on fleshing the character, then that's fine.

I'm reminded of Frank Herbert (Dune) who developed an entire glossary for his set of books. That's the advantage of a futuristic story. Backpacks (can) become Trav-paks, T-packs, or Outpacks. Nanobots can become digital meds, digi-meds, seeker-med--not suggesting any of these names are better than what was used, just trying to spark the imagination to think outside the pyramid (wink).

Also, consider giving our "hero" a physical problem/handicap that the readers will worry about. Or, an extra ability rarely seen. Give him emotional problems or phobias. Make him anal-retentive in some way (e.g., he refuses to kill with his hands).

Before you start anything, outline your story/plot. Make notes about the environment and atmosphere you plan to create.

Your "teaser" has a lot of promise. Decide what you want to do with it and then do so with care. You have a regular job and you have a regular life. You also model a lot. Obviously, you have a need/desire to write about what you envision when you model your items. If you are compelled to write but don't have much time, then settle on the story taking a few years.