Your words paint a powerful visual image. It is easy to slip into the girl’s mind, to feel her hopes, her yearnings, and her disappoints.

 

I especially liked the lines about the shoes:

 

“Good. I deserve to be miserable. Forget that my shoes will be ruined...Forget that he said he loved them...Forget them...Forget him...”

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As to the description of the rain:

 

“Above her {{redundant, we know the rain is not below her}} the rain starts to thrum {{I would not use thrum, as thrum is more of a strumming noise, rather than a drumming noise}}. It's been raining all night, but now the wind has given it it's {{too many it, it’s .. also change the last it’s to its}} own strange dissonant percussion. Heavy beats...drumming...drumming...heavy upon her umbrella...and then back to the steady unrelenting onslaught.”

 

Just a suggestion, perhaps try:

 

“It’s been raining all night, but now the wind has given its own strange dissonant percussion. Slow steady beats...drumming...drumming...heavy upon her umbrella...and then back to the unrelenting onslaught.”

 

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In the following sentence: “and wonders how much longer she can wait, how much longer she can take this, before she goes to ewww...'that' place...She hates 'that' place.”

 

I personally feel it reads much stronger if you leave out the ewww:

 

“…and wonders how much longer she can wait, how much longer she can take this, before she goes to that place...She hates that place.”

 

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I like the part about the mother and her expectations of her daughter, and the comparison to her sister. Very nicely done.

 

As to punctuation, please go back and insert a space between each sentence. Which, may only be a cut and paste technical problem. However, without the spaces it does make the piece a little hard to read.

 

Your story is very believable, and you have captured the girl’s emotions beautifully. I can easily relate to her situation—been there—done that—had to buy a new pair of shoes.

 

Keep writing, you have talent!

Dee-Marie