The original had a much more lonely detached feel to it which seems to work better with all the open sapce on the left to me. 

It depends what you're after I suppose.

It is an example of what can be done with RAW processing given the vision.

And every one said, 'If we only live,
We too will go to sea in a Sieve,---
To the hills of the Chankly Bore!'
Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live;
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue, And they went to sea in a Sieve.

Edward Lear
http://www.nonsenselit.org/Lear/ns/jumblies.html