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Where is the system evaluation located?  I've look in the "Damn it to hell!  It should be here!" section of the computer and I can't find it, nor does it come up on any system search for me.  I'd love to run this on my system to see if I need to update or tweak anything.

if you're talking about the ratings system in Vista, right click on My Computer. that will open a window which shows you basic information.
You should see a Windows Experience Index around the middle and if it says "Unrated", click on that and a new window will open with various options.
It doesn't allow you to change anything, just rates your PC's power and has some interesting information.
Assuming this is what you were looking for, that is.