My mom always said I should find a woman who likes to do what I do. It's hard to find a woman who likes to get drunk and chase women.   With my wife I don't get no respect.  I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'  The waiter joined me.     I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!     My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met.   My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water. 

"Any club that would have me as a member is probably not worth joining" -Groucho Marx