It's really hard to give a critique other than a larger render would be nice. These old eyes, even with glasses on have a hard time with small stuff. Your best bet to get critiques is to do an 800x600 at least render and upload it to your gallery and post the link here in the forum. That's generally a good way to do it unless you don't want the image in your gallery, then a larger image than you posted here can be uploaded to the forum as well.

 

Once in a while I look around,
I see a sound
and try to write it down
Sometimes they come out very soft
Tinkling light sound
The Sun comes up again