SamTherapy opened this issue on Nov 21, 2011 · 24 posts
SamTherapy posted Mon, 21 November 2011 at 2:09 PM
Some late arrivals:
After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!
A bloke rolls up at home at 3am, drunk and tries to get his key in the front door...
His wife throws open the door and stands over him with the rolling pin at the ready. "you've been out drinking again you bum, it's 3am and you've got spew all over your new shirt!!!...that's it! you're finished here"
The bloke thinks quick and explains "baby, the boys took me out after work, I promise I'll never do it again....and here..." he offers her a $20 note...
"What's that for?" she asks
"well, some bloke I was helping down the stairs of the pub was really drunk and he spewed on me...so he gave me $20 for the cleaning"
The wife softens and takes the $20. "don't ever do this again, I'm warning you" she spits back.
The next Friday night, ol' mate rolls up home and tries to get the keys in the door...
His wife throws open the door and stands over him with the rolling pin at the ready. "I told you......and look, you've got spew all over your new shirt again!!!...that's it! you're finished here"
The bloke gingerly holds out 2, $20 notes
"what's this for?" she asks
"well" he explains "well, another bloke I was helping down the stairs of the pub was really drunk and he spewed on me...so he gave me $20 for the cleaning"
"what's the other $20 for then?" she asks
he answers "well, thats from the other dirty bastard that shit in me pants!
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow, but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this, before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Scotland."
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.