that looks O K but I think your previous render test is a lot more along the lines of what you're aiming at. As I said, I'd just soften those edges a bit more on those two lights and forget Volumetric/Visible light as it doesn't add to the scene...but it was worth trying

 

Once in a while I look around,
I see a sound
and try to write it down
Sometimes they come out very soft
Tinkling light sound
The Sun comes up again