"yeah it doesn't open in my free version and I can't make head or tails of the map"

If it doesn't open, how are you seeing the map? If you get the message you posted about no UV coordinates, click OK. Go to the options for creating a new UV map and try some of them to see if you get something more usable or try the tile method detailed before maybe. Short of getting someone else to UVMap it for you, you're stuck with doing it in post. * *

"Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance." - H. L. Mencken