My rendering skills are sorely lacking. All that work BB did and I STILL can't make it look right. And worse, I KNOW it has to do with the environment I put the sword in.

Don't let it get you down.  I'm having the same challenge which is more from me trying to just render the sword without an environment.  It's helping me to have a better understanding of the settings and how to make necessary adjustments.  I'm trying to use these settings for these weapons http://www.daz3d.com/classic-weapons-of-the-east-part-1-china