Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.

What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.

I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.

I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.

And... how was your week?

If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.