You'll hate my first comment: please spell check. There were a lot of typos and the typos spotlighted the grammatical errors. (I can help you with some of the grammar, if you'd like.) The character starts off decently, but you lose his personality, his voice, and the Point Of View becomes stilted. The character starts off by using words like "maids and men" yet later on uses "hygene." The first phrase is slightly archaic in a romantic way. Hygene is modern and clinical. Is the character supposed to be talking to an audience? For the most part he ignores his audience, yet at one point he says, "Except, I know the reasons for my pain, though I will not divulge them here." Either talk to me the entire time, or leave me out entirely. (Also, that particular comment is the equivelant of a kid saying, "I've got a secret and I'm not telling!") I think that if you take some time to focus on how your character would describe things, instead of just trying to put descriptions in the story, you'd strengthen it a lot. I hope this doesn't seem too negative. If the story didn't have promise, I'd pretend I didn't see it. :-)