Jackson,
I'm glad to see you've regained the use of your finger. I'm sure it's been hell typing on your keyboard by sticking a pencil in your mouth.

I saw your ex-wife last week backstage at the Ozzy concert. It looked like she was trying to persuade one of the roadies to.. but never mind, you don't want to hear about that wierd thing she does with her stump anymore. Do you?

I've gotta admit, she looks preserved for her age. I guess the old Jack Daniels thing ya'll showed me really does work. She was wearing one of those Britney Spears bare-midriff things. Dang, did she have that much navel hair when you were married?

You'll be pleased to know that your daughter's picture is off our Post Office wall. I hope she made a good plea-bargain. I agree with you, it wasn't her fault. They should have hunted down that rat you sold her to.

Oh, and some people in suits were here last week asking about you. They said something about a "Darwin Award." I know you value your privacy so I told 'em you were still in the intensive care unit.

I didn't realize it was your birthday - I hope I'm not too late to wish you a Happy one. I remember last year, that hooker jacked your wheel chair and you looked so funny flopping around in the drainage ditch. Woah, we've had some great times, haven't we.

May the Kupa be with you!

Before they made me they broke the mold!
http://home.roadrunner.com/~kflach/