I hope I can give a coherent review now that some of the sugar overload is out of my system: Shoshanna - you really got the adolescent angst across in your description. I hadn't even considered a pool scenario like you described. Definite kudos on that. A few times, the words seem to come from an author, not a teenager - voluptuous, for example. If you put that part in quotes 'what she calls "her voluptuous figure"' then it would fit better. (It would mean her mother literally uses that expression, which makes more sense than a young teenager.) There's also some grammatical mistakes that made me re-read the passage. You've really got the scene and emotions down, it just needs some polishing with structure and word choice. Stormrage - you did an excellent job on setting up the scene. I'm guessing you were going for sexual attraction from the way her description keeps going back to his looks and way the narrator seems slightly distracted. The prose flows smoothly, rather like his shot. The last sentence should be its own paragraph, but it puctuates the passage well. It is really that hot, or is it just her? (If I'm way off, I'm going to be really embarrassed!) ;-) RAMINUS - The emotions behind the scene, on both sides, came out nicely. (Minor quibble - if a woman is trying to conceal something under makeup, the last thing she'll want to do is rub the area - it removes the makeup.) I like the dialog, how she calls him Baby - trying to soothe him so he won't hit her, and his reaction to it. Chuck - I'm still laughing at your second submission. (In a good way!) I'm too embarrassed to comment.