That's a very sinister story dialyn and I reckon your 2nd piece is even better than the 1st one. It's a good example of how what isn't said can be as effective as the elements of a story that are made explicit. I like the implications of a whole fractured society of vampire followers which the reader can pick up from the title and those few well chosen words without any need for a labouring clarification. It feels like a good introduction to a novel about a whole mysterious horror "underculture". On the "ashes" sentence, I have a suggestion. How about something like:- Kat moved the beam of her flashlight to the mans face and flicked the dead dust from her cigarette over the body. Ashes to ashes. "dead dust" is an unusual description of the cigarette ash maybe but it chimes in quite nicely with the unspoken "dust to dust". I've just got back from a walking holiday in Scotland which is how come I haven't kept up with the postings but now I think I'll have a go at a 2nd piece myself...