It reads like a battle scene from a Star Wars movie and as such is a nice start. However, there is no protagonist, indeed no sympathetic character at all, just robots and alien invaders. In my opinion it would benefit if you had a character involved that could show some reaction to what is going on. Perhaps some off world commander who is getting this as dire news, so that he can have some human reaction to it? It reads like a narrative rather than as an audio/visual play back which I think makes the context somewhat murky. Does that make any sense? Also, one minor point, they are fighting in snow yet raising dust. Snowy locations usually are not dusty. Little inconstancies like that can nibble away on the sense of realism. It's not bad at all, I just think you need to develop it a bit more. For one thing, it is very short, even for a short story, so you would have trouble finding a market for it. But with a bit more development, it would flesh out into a nice short story indeed. Just my two cents, which is probably worth about a penny (or less). jon

 
~jon
My Blog - Mad Utopia Writing in a new era.