PCIII for those in the batters box Oceans Apart J.M. Strother I sing a song to thee, my love, A song of wounded heart. I sing a song to thee, my love, Though we be miles apart. The ocean laps my tears away, Moon in silent solace stands, To help keep the ache at bay, Approaching distant lands. Tomorrow is the fateful day, The beaches we will reach, And should I die upon the sands, Our love still shall not leech. Remember me my bonny dear, Though I'm not at your side. Remember me, yet without tear, Thou sundered by the tide. meter 2 form 2 bal 1 a serenade in ballad form common meter; there is a prologue, but no refrain in the first stanza. there is horizontal but not vertical balance. repitans 1 heart-apart 1 away-bay 1 stands-lands 1 day-sands 1 reach-leech 1 dear-tear 1 side-tide 1 ocean-solace-approaching 2 bonny-not-yet 2 remember-remember repitans 1 remember-sunder 1 sing-song 1 oo-ee-rr-ll-nn 4 24/16 =1.5 Now, hopefully, the rest of the crew won't come in with three stanzas that's where you'll win or lose it Did you ever play Gomoku? The trick is to know how much is enough to win. You can't sit on your laurels either. Ok, haven't slept a wink and its 5am here, but Im still try'n . Heres my try- Love Tide 2002*SAkS. . .aka Rendered2Blue Fair and vain -the satin moon casts its likeness on the tide. . . kissing beach with endless sea~ wilst lovers, love, starry-eyed. Sweet dreams the yawning night portends as it shadows out each day- but alas! some dreams come to an end; And some loves will go astray Soft, yet rugged lad and lass in that darkest, starless night I pray the stars will find you there and guide you with their light I pray the stars will find you~ turn that night into the dawn Then your hearts shall beat in harmony to loves everlasting song meter 2 form 2 bal 1 tide-eyed 1 day-astray 1 night-light 1 dawn-song 1 satin-casts 1 beach-dreams 1 yawning-shadows 1 come-loves 1 darkest-stars 1 find-night 1 hearts-harmony-everlasting 1 repitans 1 endless-sea 1 oo-ss-rr-gg 4 22/16=1.37 Jagill Theres a brief moment at the end of a dream Before the cerebral flux transforms. When your spirit passes a tear in the seam Across converging storms. Return to the mortal hold that waits Or the phantasmagoric seas. Decide before the dream abates, Then turn your sails toward the breeze. Here I will wait every morn With a song Ive written for you Till we sing together no longer forlorn Two spirits awakened anew. meter 2 form 2 bal 1 dream-seam 1 transforms-storms 1 waits-abates 1 seas-breeze 1 morn-forlorn 1 you-anew 1 brief-cerebral 1 spirit-converging 1 mortal-phantasmagoric-before 2 sails-abates-wait 2 I think the problem was with the imagery stanza 1 when spirits 3rd person pause at that tear in the seam between converging storms in stanza 2 the order would be better reversed: -To decide before the dream abates; -To turn those sails to the breeze; -to journey back to the mortal hold that waits; -or to remain in fanta seas (I couldn't help myself) Where I wait,too, every morn; With my song written just for you; (I want to put a hanging 'til' here) Our voices twain, not one, forlorn;(could say perform also) Awakened spirits, one, not two. In repeating the "To" you use a device used by preachers and public speakers called the repetitive hammer. And in the conclusion something like that to improve the flow. 17/12=1.41 Caledonia Moonlight Sphere of poet's rhyme, Held in night's tender embrace, Shining silver white beams That passing time can't deface; Brilliant globe of even, Mistress of her domain, She turns snow into crystals, Cricket's song to lover's refrain; Glowing orb in the heav'ns, Kissed by sun's mirrored light, She cools the warm yellow rays To crown in silver the night; Pale medallion of moon, Silent watch forever keeping, Giding through appointed course High above a world asleeping meter 2 form 2 bal 1 rhyme-beam 1 embrace-deface 1 domain-refrain 1 light-night 1 keeping-sleeping 1 poets-held-tender 2 shining-white-time 2 globe-domain-snow-2 kissed-cools-yellow 2 Silent-Gliding-high 2 crickett's song-kissed 1 crystals-cricketts 1 passing-mistress 1 pale-rays 1 medallion-moon 1 even-she 1 26/16=1.625 My only comment on this is, Did you study Irish poetry? You seem to rhyme on the vowels in a very classic style. Your competitors seem to focus on the consonants rr-ll-ss, where you sound on ai,ae,ei, the medallion-moon (mn and (ll,oo) combination was unusual what finally did it was I went through it one lant time and found (even-she) sounding on the e I wanted to sound on heav'ns kissed on the s but the damage was already done. You hit him up with the assonance and backhanded him with a little dbl consonnance of your own.