3 points: jestro (for the most likeable - Sparky - and the most annoying character - Mrs. McGiviney) 2 points: garblesnix 1 point: BinkiKitty My lame excuse for not writing anything: I thought the challenge was too restrictive this time. There was the premise (role reversal), a required set of characters (a pet and a human) and even a part of the plot was predetermined (You wake up in the morning and discover ...). I expected a lot of similar stories, and didnt feel like adding one of my own, not to mention that there already is a famous story of that kind by Franz Kafka (Garblesnix refers to it in his story). As I said, a lame excuse. Having read your stories, I have to admit that they are all funny and each story has a distinct quality of its own. However, next time Id prefer a less specific topic again. Keep up the good work!

Fratley, I completely agree with jstro. Just two thoughts of my own: - A few weeks ago I read an article by the english novelist and writing teacher Alex Keegan. He gave the following sentence as an example of how not to begin a story: "It was a dark and stormy night." Its bad because it has been done so often. This beginning has become cliched. I couldnt help but remember this when reading your first sentence about the dark and desolate night. Why dont you start with a detail that makes your story distinctive: the smell of fish. The night may still be dark and desolate, just a sentence or two later. - Unless you are a genius, every first draft is bad. We all have to rewrite, revise, polish. First get rid of typos, then check the logic, read it aloud to test the rhythm, shorten and condense where possible or fill gaps, question your choice of words and so on, until you are satisfied with the result. Your punctuation is atrocious? Well, then correct it. Take your time. My point is: You have to invest time and effort in your creation because, unless you are a genius, there is no such thing as divine inspiration. It is wrong to believe that only the spontaneous work is any good. No, more often than not a photographer has to take hundreds of photos to get one great shot; a painter might have to paint layer upon layer until the painting looks spontaneous. Dont be discouraged. On the contrary: I enjoy the process of revising a lot more than the initial writing. For me, the hard work is done and then comes the fun. Turning something lame into something good is definitely fun. Try it.

garblesnix is right: story is more important than formatting. However, some professional advice cant hurt. I found these sites very useful: http://www.scriptsecrets.net http://www.wordplayer.com http://www.screenwritersutopia.com/ If you know any interesting sites about screenwriting or writing in general, please post the links. Please remember that a screenplay is not just a list of camera angles and spoken lines. Its a story! Make us see, hear, feel the scene. Leave out all the technical stuff. Im looking forward to reading your scripts. Have fun!

Interaction between graphic artists and writers: Great idea!

Thanks, Satanismus (evil nickname!). Cheers, garblsnix! More later ... busy! ...

3 points: Garblesnix 2 points: jstro 1 point: Foxwriter74

      Thank you, experimental. Thats exactly what I need.

Hi, Im writing and fighting to stay below the 15.000 character limit. I need a few more days for trimming and polishing.

A lot of people have let off steam. Now let me have my say:

Like JenyK said, Renderosity can be held legally viable for what goes on here. For example, entering a contest with a picture of a copyrighted character is clearly a copyright infringement. Thats the law and not up to debate. Do you want Sony, Disney or Lucasfilm to sue Renderosity? That could be the end of this site. Please consider that! And what is so wrong with the attitude "better safe than sorry"? If this was my site, I surely would have panicked and acted the very moment I got aware of a potential legal desaster.

JenyK apologized for acting hastily and without prior warning.
Why cant you people accept an apology? Why not stop the bashing now?

Come on, deleting all your images and running off is childish! Do you think other sites have no rules and regulations? Wise up!
There are a lot of tremendously talented people here and we are constantly improving our skills. So please put up with the loss of your images and your comments and create something new! I repeat in capitals: CREATE SOMETHING NEW! Please stop whining and resume being creative.

Message edited on: 09/17/2004 07:29

GonWaki, does your question imply that narration and character development are separate entities that do not mix, like oil and water? About four years ago I started writing a screenplay. Its gathering dust on my shelf for a year now and has gained me neither fortune nor fame. But it was fun to do and I learnt a lot in the process. When writing a screenplay, you are restricted by what can be visualized on a screen and made audible through a speaker. There is description of scenery, props and outward appearance; there is action and dialog. Unless you use an off-screen narrator, which is hard to pull off in a visual medium like film, there is no narration. Its pointless to write in a screenplay, "Mr. Kowalsky is a grumpy man". How could a cinematographer shoot that? You have to write dialog and action that show his grumpiness. A screenplay of 120 pages is full of character development, though we never actually look inside the heads of the protagonists. Their nature is revealed by what they say and what they do. My point is, advancement of the story and character development are one and the same. In a novel or a short story you have the additional possibility to let the reader participate in the characters thought processes. However, it is, in my opinion, not advisable to interrupt the story and give the reader a list of character attributes or a lesson in psychology. Instead of writing something like "Jim was a shy guy ...", and thus slowing the pace of the story, it is better to create a scene in which Jim squirms and stammers and makes a fool of himself in a crowded room. When the author claims "Jim was a shy guy .", the reader is informed but not involved. The dramatic scene showing the poor guy ridiculed, on the other hand, makes us feel with the fictional character. Characters develop because the story advances, but much more important is: the story advances because the characters develop. Theres no need for any interruptions. Narration and character development dont interact like oil and water. They are like salt and water. I have a theory where the notion, that character development interrupts narration, originates from. It happens when you plot a story in advance and then squeeze some characters in. Such characters can be made of cardboard, without affecting the flow of the prefabricated plot. However, such a story is trite and pulpy. Ideally, believable and life-like characters come first. Their decisions, made in accordance with their skills and character traits, determine the flow of the story. No need to throw in paragraphs of psycho babble that stop the story dead. There are characters and there is a conflict. The conflict changes the characters so they are finally able to solve the conflict. When are we supposed to start developing our characters? For me there can only be on answer: at the very beginning and then keep at it till the end. The moment a character says or does something, the author is writing character. Once your hero has saved the world and kissed the princess you may stop, not a line earlier. Of course, some character traits and skills have to be introduced early on. Say, you have a hero with a unique talent. He can hold his breath for ten minutes or build a bomb from a pencil and a shoe-string. He uses this skill to save the world. If you havent introduced this odd ability before, the deus ex machina bursts out with a bang, ruining all credibility. The solution seems contrived. It is much better to show the heros skill very early in the story in a casual way. The reader forgets about it while the story progresses. Then comes the pay-off: "Wait a moment! That guy can build a bomb from a pencil and a shoe-string! The world is saved!" That has a strong impact on the reader (even makes him/her feel smart if he/she has been able to figure it out in advance) and upholds credibility. Hopefully, the reader admires the authors clever plotting. (By the way, this is one reason why rewriting is so important. Sometimes, you simply have to go back and add something at the beginning.) Of course, it may be necessary to fool the reader and disguise a persons real character until the surprise ending. Why not, as long as its believable and involving.

In your initial post you spoke of a 5th or 6th draft. Allow me to question the wisdom of posting a rough and sketchy excerpt that neither represents your style of writing nor the present development of your story.

Sorry, I had to repost, because the brackets I copied from the script had muddled up the HTML. Now everything should be legible.

Message edited on: 09/10/2004 05:53

Hi Allen,
in case you are writing only for your own amusement or if you intend to screen the script yourself, you can do whatever you want and write how it suits your own needs. However, if you actually intend to sell your script to a producer you have to stick to some rules and be more careful with style and formating.
I have learnt a lot from these people:
http://www.scriptsecrets.net/
Maybe Bill Martell isnt writing Academy award stuff but he is a brilliant teacher and his site offers a lot of information for aspiring screenwriters.

Terry Rossio and Ted Elliot (Shrek, Pirates of the Caribbean) have a great website, too.
http://www.wordplayer.com/welcome.html
Check it out.

Allow me to point out some problems I have with your teaser. Please note, that I am talking about your screenplay. Should you adapt your story into a comic or a novel, forget my ranting.

Here we go. Let me start with (in my opinion) your worst blunder:

QUOTE
Cut to: Large space ship, oblong shaped, entering earth orbit ala ID4

Allen, if you feel it is necessary to borrow from other artists (we all do now and then), dont hit us on the head with it! No way! You cant submit a screenplay to a production company and say, I was too lazy to describe this scene, but its like movie XY anyway. As I said, for your own amusement you can do it as you like, but Im sure, ninety nine out of a hundred script editors would reject your script at this point, and we are still on page 1. (By the way, I'm wearing a friendly smile while typing this. Even if I sound rude, I mean well :)

Let me talk about formatting only very briefly. Visit the above mentioned sites to learn more. To conform the widely accepted industry standard, you should start every scene with a header stating the location and the time. When the location changes or time is skipped, start a new scene. This gives your script an organized look and makes it easier to read.

Get rid of all your cut-tos, slow zooms, pans. etc. Do not direct and cut the movie! Dont tell the cinematographer where to put the camera and how to move it. Dont tell the the editor how to cut. And dont tell the director how to stage the movie.
You are the writer. Unless you plan to shoot the movie yourself, just tell the story.

(You can put all kinds of stage directions and technical stuff into a shooting script or a storyboard. Of course, if you dont plan to submit your script and want to use it merely as a basis for a web comic or novel, you can ignore all these rules.)

You shall not direct. A lot of your directing is superflous anyway, like in this examples:

QUOTE
Action: Car skreechs to a stop

Of course its action. No need to point it out. (Spelling! No typos, please.)

QUOTE
Close up: Girl's eyes; pupils getting larger and larger

Her pupils are getting larger. I assume that every reader on earth will imagine this as a close up. Instead of indicating close ups, it is better to describe details. The readers mind will focus like a zoom lense.

As a general rule, use stage directions only when absolutely necessary. Look at this:

QUOTE
Girl
(now pissed off)
Look man... just gimme the fuckin' derms, ok?

In this case, the dialog conveys her feelings. The is redundant.

Or this example:

QUOTE
Slurmnig
(feeling brave now after surving)
HA! What you gonna do, eh? Me's say nothin!

We cant see feelings on the screen. What we can see is how the characters act out their feelings. Show us a triumphant smile or a gesture, show us sweat and tears. Generally, dont tell us, show us!

You have an unfortunate habit that makes your screenplay hard to read. Example:

QUOTE
Male Slurmnig
(This creature looks like a slug, but with a very obviously human like upper torso;
head is bald, perhaps with braided side burns hanging? Speaking to himself)
Mmmmm... here a comin a nudder one. Dis choota be lookin tassssty.

Please dont mix description and dialog like this.
Its irritating. Just write the character name and what he/she says and grant your description or action a separate paragraph.

QUOTE
Male Slurmnig
Hey der lil choota... what kin me be doin you for?
heh heh
[chuckles at his pun]

Why dont you just start a new paragraph after the dialog: He chuckles at his pun. There is no need to tie this to the dialog. Please keep dialog and action strictly apart.

Allen, your writing style is sloppy, to put it mildly. You say, come on, its just screenplay? Please think about your readers: Script editors, directors, actors, designers among others. These people have to read hundreds if not thousands of scripts in their lifetimes. Dont bore them with camera angles and annoy them with sloppy story telling. You have to entertain them! Tell your story as vividly as you can! Or else: rejection.

Consider this example:

QUOTE
Has her arms hugging herself, hair is messed as it is raining.

Firstly, write whole sentences like you would in a short story or novel. This staccato style of yours is wearing me (the reader) out.
Secondly: Her hair is messed up as it is raining? Allen, please, show us the rain! Make us shiver. Describe the reflections in the puddles, the sounds, the cold, let the reader feel, how ugly the setting is. Dont be lazy. Show us!
(Sure, your script will get longer. But remember the redundancies :)

QUOTE
like a fat bloated body, no hair, mostly human looking; no legs, etc;

Why etc? Tell us everything or stop after "no legs". Either you were too lazy to think up a more detailed description or too lazy to write it down. You love writing, dont you? Then please do it! We want to be told.

QUOTE
show's a hand full of cash (multi colored bills)

Style! Why the parenthesis? She produces a hand full of multi colored bills. (... not to mention the misplaced apostroph.)

QUOTE
Slurmnig
his sneer turning to something unpleasant

Something unpleasant? Isnt every sneer unpleasant to begin with? Dont be so sloppy.

QUOTE
face turns angry... and tears off a a length of the
paper and in disgust throws em at the slot in the window

This sentence is a mess. His face tears off a a (!) lenght of the paper? The dots indicate that something is missing. Nobody would accept a sentence like this in a short story. Why do you think you can get away with it in a screenplay? (Uh-oh, Im a nice guy most of the time--unless you make me read messy sentences :)

QUOTE
NOTE: any panel/scene showing Girl- her eyes are still wide open, staring off into space

You are lazy again! Show us the girl: limb body, staring eyes, protruding tongue, what ever. Weave descriptions of her sorry state into the narration. YOU have to tell the story, dont order the reader to fill in the blanks! Serve me a delicous meal, dont just throw a recipe at me.
Never forget, a script editor yearns for an entertaining page-turner or he/she will wield the mighty rejection hammer.

QUOTE
Cut to: looking at the Slurmnig; he's outraged, pissed, scared all at the same time.

Dont tell, show! What is he doing? Is he fidgeting, pulling faces? Is he trembling, red-faced or pale? Dont tell, show! Otherwise, your story is bland and lifeless.

QUOTE
(side of neck? back of neck? between breasts?)

QUOTE
This creature looks like a slug, but with a very obviously human like upper torso;
head is bald, perhaps with braided side burns hanging? ...

Who do you ask? YOU are the storyteller! Dont give me multiple-choice.

QUOTE
... (shotgun of some type) ...

QUOTE
... a video game or kiosk of some kind ...

What type? What kind? You are the storyteller! If you havent conceived these details, why do you draw the readers attention to it by using blurry phrases like "of some kind"? Just say "shotgun". The reader does not care what kind of gun it is and a movie director will ask his art department to come up with a cool design.

QUOTE
seeing the girl walk in closer;

Do you mean: We are seeing the girl walk in? Please avoid to involve the reader in this fashion. The narrator and the reader should remain invisible. Any mention of either of them can break the readers concentration and take him/her out of the story. Just write: She walks in.

Am I nitpicking? Look what Terry Rossio, Ted Elliot and Bill Martell have to say about it.

Just one more thing: You mention a Sigtig, a Male Slurmnig, and a Slurmnig. Do these terms refer to the same character? Its confusing (me).

Allen, I think you underestimate the potential literary quality of a screenplay. Screenplays are not just lists of scenes and camera angles. That would be a shooting script. A screenplay can be and should be great storytelling! Show us believable characters and involve us in there adventures! Im sure you can. Just do it. Again, in case you have no professional intentions, my advice is pointless.

Sorry, I have droned on and on about formatting and style and havent said a word about your story. It hard to judge, as you have posted so little of it. Well, just three thoughts:

1. Your teaser consists of two parts: a part with a lot of exposition, revealing a bit of backstory, and the sequence about the girl and some villains. I fail to see the connection. Im sure this will be cleared up while the story progresses. However, the question is, do both stories belong in the teaser? I also detected a distinct difference in tone. At least one of these two teasers would end up on my editing room floor (not that I have one).

2. To be able to get involded, the reader needs a hero, a character to identify with. Who is your hero? Shouldnt the teaser introduce us to the main character and hint at the obstacles he/she has to overcome? Until now, we only have a bunch of unlikeable scoundrels and a junky-girl. Whos the lead?

3. Maybe its just me, but I dont get the significance of the ZikZak sequence. I have no clue where all this leads to or what the movie could possibly be about. Give us a glimpse of the basic conflict. Maybe this isnt exactly teaser material.

Dont be mad at me. Even though my ramblings may sound harsh, I hope that I have backed it up with solid arguments.

Your screenplay is not yet a movie. Right now, it is a written story. Please treat it accordingly. I love to read. Write for me, sing to me!

Id like to know if you, Allen and other members, find this kind of criticism constructive and helpful or maybe annoying. Please feel free to comment on my comment.

regards
Matthias

Message edited on: 09/10/2004 05:59

By the way, I just remembered a great example of how to deal with exposition. Do you remember the first Terminator movie? The Michael Biehn character tells the Linda Hamilton character what a terminator is, where it comes from and why it is persuing them. This is an awful lot of information to get across. But is it a boring scene of two people talking? No! Biehn is yelling at Hamilton while driving recklessly and ducking bullets. The audience dont even realize they are being fed information, because it is disguised so well in a full-blown action sequence. Weaving the information into the action does the trick.
shemia, you have no car chase in your story, but maybe you can come up with a way to tell the background story without interrupting your narrative.

Message edited on: 08/30/2004 06:27

shemia, a cool shocking short. I like it.
However, there are some issues. I think the story is too short. A low word count is no virtue by itself, especially not in the horror genre.

Firstly, I think this is potentially a very suspenceful story. But it is so short, it is over before the tension has a chance to build up. This also weakens the shocking ending, because the reader hardly has the time to relate to the pitiable protagonist.

Secondly, I detect a disproportional amount of exposition here. After a very catchy and graphic first paragraph you feed the reader with two paragraphs of information, culminating with the sentence: "This is why he was here. ...". This is what I read between the lines: "So now you know. Lets go on with the story." Please try to weave the necessary background information into your story and try to maintain the pace of your wonderful first paragrapgh. Then I think you are on to something great.

Thirdly, in a very short story, there is always the danger of writing "on the nose" the unfortunate tendency of telling instead of showing. Again, your first paragrapgh is great (though you could omit the "Damned cold", he muttererd." We already feel the cold. No need for a monologue here). I think the climax of your story could be improved, by not just telling us what happens. Instead, it would be better to write what the poor guy feels and let the reader deduce, what has actually happend. You need a few more lines to pull that of. Also, the I-told-you-so speech of the killer is on the nose. Be more subtle, so the reader feels smart by realizing the horrible truth.

Please, dont be too curt!

Finaly, I think there is a problem in the story itself that you should work around somehow. Because so far all dead bodies had been male, I had a hard time considering the woman a potential victim of the serial killer. If you want to shock us with an alledged victim turned villain, you have to get rid of that contradiction.

I hope this was helpful.

Message edited on: 08/30/2004 06:05