Shoshanna opened this issue on Mar 14, 2003 ยท 5 posts
Shoshanna posted Fri, 14 March 2003 at 4:41 AM
Could someone please help me rewrite this? All suggestions gratefully received, I'm stuck. Shanna :-) Just for now, I will hold you, As once I would have meant to. Just for now All will remain the same. Come to my arms I am still here as shelter. Just this one more time, But just for now I meant to go, How can I leave you hurting? When such a tradgedy Can happen only once. I long to fly Into a life less harmful But only once Does a mans father die So just for now, I offer comfort, kindness For all the times When true it would have been And just for now I open my heart to you For times long gone I'll hold you when you cry.
Charmz posted Fri, 14 March 2003 at 6:26 AM
my only suggestion would be to switch the last two stanzas. Using the line "But only once Does a mans father die" as the final plot twist kicker type unit.
Shoshanna posted Fri, 14 March 2003 at 9:36 AM
Thanks for the suggestion Charmz, but that was the line I was most hoping to get rid of, or change. It just seems really naff to me, but I can't think of anything better at the moment and it's totally doing my head in. Shanna :-)
Crescent posted Fri, 14 March 2003 at 9:55 PM
I'm not clear on what the poem is trying to convey, so I may be completely muffing up what you're going for. If so, feel free to shake your head, mutter about dummies with no poetic talent, and wait for someone with a clue to show up. ;-) Just for now, I will hold you. Just for now, All will remain the same. Come to my arms And I will be your shelter. Just for now, Just this one last time. And just for now, I offer comfort, kindness; For all the times You need someone true. And just for now I open my heart to you. In the long days to come May you feel my warmth when you cry. I know I must leave now, But how can I leave you hurting? Take solace. Such a tragedy Can happen only once. I long to fly To a place less weary. Take solace. Only once Does a father die.
Shoshanna posted Fri, 21 March 2003 at 12:11 AM
It is meant to be a woman who was going to leave her husband, unable to go because of his father dying and him needing her too much at that moment in time for her conscience to let her leave. The cautionary "just for now" was meant to put emphasis on the fact that the tradgedy changes nothing in the long term. It is a suspension of 'hostilities' in the face of emotional disaster At least, that was what it was meant to be Looks like I missed big time on this one Thank you for trying to help Charmz & Crescent I will have a go at rethinking this one soon. Shanna :-) back to the scrawling board.