Lately, as I totter on the brink of impending cronedom, on the ragged edge of middle age, I find myself pondering all of the little surprises of life. The little things that they just dont tell you in woman school! (As if the things that they do tell you werent bad enough!) In grade school they tell you about periods which will happen every month or so, sometimes accompanied by debilitating cramps, swollen and sore breasts, water retention and the dread P.M.S. You can hear all about morning sickness, stretch marks and cellulite. There are numerous publications on hot flashes, night sweats and other horrors. But the things they dont tell you! Why arent our young ladies educated about the horrors of 36 hours of labor? I think it should be described in vivid detail! That would cut the teen pregnancy rate for sure! No one ever told me what would happen if that baby I planned for, dreamed of and carried with some days of extreme discomfort for 9 months should be stubborn or be stuck in some way and an emergency C-Section should have to be preformed. They dont tell you that when they cut you from navel to pelvic bone that you will be left with a butt shaped pouch of flesh that no amount of diet or exercise will fix completely. There are no advertisements that show the effects of breast-feeding on your once proud rack. After two or three kids those high and tight globes will head for the ground at an alarming rate! Then there are the fine lines caused by smiling, laughing, breathing.. which will bring along their whole families with cousins and all to congregate on your face one at a time. I never heard that pulling one gray hair would stimulate the growth of five more. Did anyone ever tell me that suddenly I would start to sprout bristly hairs in the strangest places, like my jaw line? NO! No movie in health class showed me that sometimes, no matter how well or often you Keogle, a bout of coughing or a really good sneeze can leave you sitting in a puddle that would rival that of an 8 month old infant. I know my mother never told me that when you have more than one child, sometimes their names and identities would escape you, not to mention birth dates, ages, allergies and occasionally why you had them in the first place. After thirty-five your own body begins to betray you. Periods which once occurred like clockwork begin to happen whenever you plan a trip or wear light colored clothes. The rest of your parts begin to succumb to the tug of gravity, parts you never knew you had will suddenly begin to hurt for no apparent reason. About the time your partners sex drive begins to cool, yours goes through the roof! This is often followed by detailed fantasies about the little 20 something that flirted with you at the gas station. Your mind begins to wander.. right, so where were we? I say we get it together and demand education for our hapless daughters who are headed down the same road in sublime ignorance. Strike that! All women except the genetically gifted. Those women should be hunted down and exterminated or bred solely for genetic testing. The Oleda Bakers of the world should get some camouflage of some sort, perhaps have some smile lines surgically implanted because there are way more of US than there are of them.