Hello all, I need some help with this poem. I want to know if the English is okay... and if the poem is any good. I was simply going to post it with one of my images, but I wanted to see what you guys think about it first. So there it is: If I just hold him right now And wrap my arms around him And close my eyes And take a big breath Maybe time will stand still And this moment will never go never end never fade And he will never have to pull apart, And smile, And Go.

Okay, I'm not qualified to give advice about English, I can just say I like it. In the last stanza I like where words seem fading away... I just wonder why you wish he should never smile... but maybe it's just me that don't understand it correctly.

Ah, no, I didn't mean that I don't want him to smile.. :)) What I meant was, that he has to go, so he pulls apart, and smiles, and then goes. Maybe I'm not making myself clear...

I thought you said it very well, though I think most native English speakers wouldn't use the phrase "he pulls apart" as you did .... it brings us a vision of coming apart at the seams ("She pulled apart her doll and the stuffing fell out"). We would probably use "he pulls away" or "we pulled apart" (two people pulling away from each other). I'm not sure that's very clear...it's a nuance of meaning that's hard to explain. It's very nice. I'm sure the poets among us will be able to give better advice. I thought you told your story in a simple and moving manner.

as a Southerner, I'm not qualified to give advice on English..;) but looks fine to me. Pulls away, maybe, but writing poetry in my own language is hard enough (I just do lyrics, anyway..;)

I wish I'd said that.. The Staircase Wit

anahl nathrak uth vas betude doth yel dyenvey..;)

Why do people keep saying they "just do lyrics?" It is my understanding that lyrics, good lyics, are poetry too. To me, melding words to music is a magical art. But that's just me.

Nope, not just you, Dialyn. I completely agree.

I've read your lyrics nu-be... I mean pakled. Your a poet and you know it. A, I think dailyn is right on. My only critique would be that the time standing still line is a bit cliched. I liked your poem nevertheless.

It's a fine poem. I envision a solder getting ready to ship out (from the point of view of the woman he is leaving behind). The only thing that I'd change is "pulled apart" to "pulled away". jon

 
~jon
My Blog - Mad Utopia Writing in a new era.

Well..lyrics are a subset of poetry..they're a lot more tied to the rhythm of a song..poetry can be free-flowing, arythmic, a lot more varied than 'and one more thing, ya know it doesn't have to rhyme..;)Fight like a Brave- Red Hot Chili Peppers (whoo boy am I dating myself..;) '. Let's just say I'm more of a specialist..;)

I wish I'd said that.. The Staircase Wit

anahl nathrak uth vas betude doth yel dyenvey..;)

Thank you all for your replies, I really appreciate it. "pull away" it is, then. :)

(why do I DO these things???) Rather than discuss each portion that I have an idea for improvement about, I'd just offer these subtle changes in this emotional poem: -------------------------------- If I just hold him right now And wrap my arms around him And close my eyes And take a deep breath. Maybe time will stand still. Then maybe this moment will never go, never end, never fade. And he will never have to pull away And smile And go. Just maybe. -------------------------- You can see I have only made a few suggestions. Please don't be upset that I re-wrote it...it was just easier to do suggestions this way. Let us know when the image is ready!

Okay.. I'm not upset. :) Some of your ideas are good.. I see what you did there with punctuation. But I'm not sure it works for me. How about this: If I just hold him right now And wrap my arms around him And close my eyes And take a deep breath- Maybe time will stand still, And this moment will never go, never end, never fade, And he will never have to pull away, And smile, And Go. Better/worse?... Am I working way tooooo much on it by now? :)

I like it better this way although I'm not too keen on the time stands still line (that's just me) When all's said and done, it's your work. You need to be as happy with it as you can be, so I'm wondering why you aren't sure if it works for you? Shanna :-)

Attached Link: http://www.renderosity.com/viewed.ez?galleryid=374308&Start=1&Sectionid=1&filter_genre_id=0&WhatsNe

Okay, so I have decided to dwell on it no longer. The link is for the final picture, if any of you would like to see it.