It was raining today. I saw a flower and took a picture, and wrote a poemish-thing to go along with it. It's kind of a comglomeration of bits and pieces of poems and lyrics I like and some ideas and things from my own experiences. So, this is my first venture into the writing/photography arena :) I'd appreciate some feedback: http://www.renderosity.com/viewed.ez?galleryid=406796&Start=1&Artist=dtwelves&ByArtist=Yes Thank you! -Dave

Attached Link: http://www.renderosity.com/viewed.ez?galleryid=406796&Start=1&Artist=dtwelves&ByArtist=Yes

Below where you post is a series of optins including URL. If you put your link there, people can link on it with greater ease. Your photography is breathtaking. I wish you would enter that in the [ May Challenge](http://www.renderosity.com/messages.ez?ForumID=12372&Form.ShowMessage=1232384) - I don't believe a photograph has been entered in a challenge before and this month is all about flowers. I can't really comment on the poem because I'm not a poet and my sense of these things is bad. It breaks my heart ... especially the last part. Lately, it seems as if I keep losing loved ones and little scraps of memory is all I have left of them. Thank you so much for posting. I hope this will not be your last.

Ahah! A clickable link makes life much easier! Thank you, dialyn! I entered the challenge at your request :) And thanks for the comment, I appreciate it! -Dave

It is quite a moving poem and a very striking photograph. Is that an Azalea? I would love to know the translation of the title. Titles are important to me. I can get a general sense of what it says, but I'd love to know for sure. At the risk of sounding trivial concerning such a moving poem I do have a few comments. I don't understand the semicolons at the end of the verses. There are other places that the punctuation seems off, but the semis are the most curious. Also, I think heart wrenching is two words, but could be wrong on that score. My spell checker flagged it and I can't find it as one word in my Merriam-Webster on-line dictionary. As I said, these are really trivial points on such a moving poem. Very nice. I too hope you keep posting. jon

 
~jon
My Blog - Mad Utopia Writing in a new era.

Thanks, jon! The title means "a flower under the rain" in French. Sometimes I like to write titles in other languages to make them sound a bit fancy :) I have no idea what type of flower that is. I sure wish I did, though! As for the weird punctuation, I remember back in high school, in English class, having to read poems with all kinds of strange and weird punctuation use, so I just thought I'd follow suit :) Thanks for pointing out "heart wrenching." I think I'll leave it, though; I like the way it looks as one word (yay for artist license, lol). Thanks again! -Dave

Just lovely, the words and image go so well together. Tears from heaven, tears from man. (The flower is indeed an azalea.)

If you knew how much rain we've had here lately you'ld know that's a touchy subject. I like the intensity of color on the flower petals. Sometimes the bounce light or a white card behind the object does a better job of making the petals more translucent. I tried some direct light with my macro and everything came out too harsh,that reflected light works really well on flowers. I liked the poem.

Kill the semicolons. (Grumble is this National Semicolon Week and no one told me?) ;-) I do like some of the phrases you use in the poem: "tore away the cloaks of hope from the sunset sky," "As lightning scorched the cold night sky," etc. Since your poem doesn't seem to be as concerned with the visual form - keeping lines a certain length, I'd suggest changing how you have some lines grouped. Sometimes you split a thought between two lines and it seems choppy. I'd either unite those lines or separate them out further for more emphasis: Time can break you down as it did my heart broken, shattered remnants scattered Perhaps in another time and in another place I could find you somewhere, somehow fate, it seems is so unfair; Time can break you down as it did my heart broken, shattered, remnants scattered. Perhaps in another time and in another place I could find you somewhere, somehow, fate, it seems is so unfair. Cheers!

Didn't anyone ever tell you about the punctuation and spelling pixies? They sneak in those pesky semicolons and other nifty lil spelling tweaks when no one is looking.