Events in my life at home and here over the last 3 weeks had me thinking today. A tumble of thoughts swimming through my mind related and not related. And so I've decided to ramble a bit about these things, and my apologies if they make sense to no one but me.

Periodically, actually more often than I would like, I go through a low time where I feel pretty worthless. It started for me again about 3 weeks ago. Often I'm able to keep up with things both here and in real life, and move on. Yet this time I couldn't. My cat, the very last of a trio, my children as they were, died. I spent last week in a state of depression, so bad that my husband was worried, thinking he had somehow done something to affect me and our relationship. But alas, it was simply me feeling as if my heart had been ripped out and a large chunk was now missing. The outpouring of love from all of you as a group, warmed my heart, yet being catless after 16 years of having many cats was a strange and very unreasonable way to live my life. And I began to feel myself pulling away, from myself and Renderosity.

I felt myself beginning to close up, I found it hard to look at the gallery, to post to threads, to communicate with anyone..... I tried to keep up with it, and as the days went on, I found it harder and harder to do. I stepped away, not commenting, not looking, feeling hard coldness oozing through me. Then a couple of days ago, a very dear friend and much beloved member of our photo community here, decided to rip down his gallery. And it made me realize how closely we tie our emotions, our feelings, our self-worth as it were into this place. He felt his images were crap, (to which I disagree with a resounding NO WAY), the events in his life mirroring how he came to view his work. Such insanity.... and yet I've been there, I can relate. How many times have we, and by we I mean you, me, looked at our images, our photographs and thought.... "My God... I suck! This sucks!"

This doesn't apply to just photography, but any endeavor we may try to accomplish, painting, work.....etc. I related to a couple of friends, how many, many times I've come so very close to removing all of it.... How once in a fit of insaneness I started removing comments on gallery images I had made, started dismantling my fav artists list, because I was ready to throw it all away and leave, leave, leave.... because I felt like shit and was hurting.... and I was going to punish everyone. "I'll show them all! I don't need this place......!" Huh? Yeah, it's crazy... who am I hurting but myself..... Luckily I was able to stop myself, before I chopped an ear off (haha Van Gogh reference).

It was with great fear, and nervousness, so long ago that I made my first posting to the Photo gallery. My gallery has grown quite a bit, but I still feel that same trepidation when I go to post an image. With each image I am exposing a part of myself for the world to see, to judge, to trash, to hate....and yet I have to share, even when I feel this way. I am my worst critic, and so I am often overwhelmed by the reaction that my images sometimes get... and then the self-doubt will kick in anyway. I know I am not that good.... I know it. I look at those who are professionals, and I see that I have so far to go. Will I ever attain that level of perfection? I can only try my best, yet I doubt that I will. Enax once asked me why do you wait so long to post an image? And I thought about it for a bit, and now I have that answer. I wait, until the time is right. Often an image is recorded, stored on my hard drive.... I hate it, it has no redeeming qualities, it did not express what I was looking to say. I often go through my archives, just looking for the image that strikes me at that moment. Many times, my images have to grow on me... I hate them when they come out of the camera, but given time, they grow, they bloom, they speak with a voice of their own. And then they are ready to be shown..... and even then for all their imperfections, they are fragile, I am fragile. And I await for the critics in my head to stop me from clicking the upload button. But these images, these borrowed moments in time are all mine.

All of us share a piece of ourselves when we post a thought, when we post an image. For this is what brings us together. And there are times when this is overwhelming to me.... when I hate myself and everyone else too. Yet the love brings me back in to the fold.... the Moody Moderator I am.... so well named Tedz.... it fits like a glove.
It is my hope that someday David will come back to us, that he will continue to share that slice of himself that we have come to love so much. Because this place is a bit empty without his beautiful images that he thinks are so terrible that no one can see them. I understand this, I feel it too, we all do from time to time I think. The path to our door is worn from those who have come and gone.... and it's always wonderful to see an old face come back. So with that I think I'll stop rambling on out of control.... and start making some comments in the gallery. It's been a few days since I've visited, and it's time I stop feeling sorry for myself.

To all of you, lurkers and very loved regulars..... a big hug. And thank you all for making this place what it is.

I am, therefore I create.......
--- michelleamarante.com