The boards have been tense and crabby lately, let's be silly and share some giggles :)

Jokes, funny stories, goofy pictures....anything to get someone to crack a smile!!!!

Here's mine. A joke that came to me through email :)

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. the second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon the minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - DEAD. The second worm in cigarette smoke - DEAD. The third worm in chocolate syrup - DEAD. The fourth worm in good clean soil -ALIVE.

So the minister asked the congregation- " What can you learn from this demonstration?"

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A dear little old lady in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolates, you won't have worms"

"It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say." - Ghandi

K....a good one to make in Poser....lmao!

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde in a
convertible sports car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks
the blonde driver for some I.D. The blonde convertible driver
searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it
look like?

The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture.
She hands the compact to the blonde cop. The blonde cop
looks at the compact for a few seconds, then rolls her eyes, hands the
compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you had
told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we
could have avoided this whole thing."

The moral of the story? Two blondes don't make a bright.

**A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"**

A drunk staggers into a church and sits down in a confessional and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. The drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

You know what is right for you. I know what is right for me.

If Your Family Tree Doesn't Fork

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

kalonart.com

Mommy, I don't want these eggs, they've gone bad!

Shut up and eat them!

Uhh, ok but I'm leaving the beaks.

Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.

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A young, very inexperienced couple get married and want to start a family. After several months of sitting around, waiting for the stork to arrive and looking under gooseberry bushes, they decide to visit their doctor.

A few minutes into the conversation, the doctor realises he has an uphill struggle with the couple and so he gets out all his medical textbooks, diagrams, illustrations and a well-hidden selection of photographs. The young couple stare at all of the presented information in stark dibelief, looks of sheer, blank incomprehension across their faces.

In desperation, the doctor decides to use baby talk and says, fixing the young man with his gaze, "It's really simple. All you have to do is take what you used to play with as a kid and stick it where your wife pees!"

The young couple, suddenly understanding, both smile broadly and get up off the couch. "We have to start right away", says the young woman.

"Sure thing", says the Doctor, "Call me when you have some news."

A couple of days later, the Doctor gets a phone call from the young couple.

"So, any news?" says the Doc.

"Yeah", says the young man. Thanks to your stupid advice we flooded the house and we're gonna sue your ass for damages!"

"Huh? What on earth do you mean?" the Doc asks.

"Well, we did exactly what you said and now we have a damn football stuck down the toilet!"

Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.

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Two blondes were watching TV when a news report came on saying there was a minor earthquake in South America and that one Brazilian was killed.
“That’s awful.” One said out loud.
“It really is,” the other said. “Such a loss of life.”
They sat quietly for a time until one said…

“How many in a Brazilian again?”

“The fact that no one understands you…Doesn’t make you an artist.”

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it,but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay,the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down,and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up,waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops,turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says.. "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

I must remember to remember what it was I had to remember.

On passing the bar exam ...
:b_funny:

Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was asalted

- - - *.

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar and the bartender says:
"Ok, I'll serve you but don't start anything."

A dislexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says,
"Hey, give me a beer and one for the road."

Remember ... "With Poser, all things are possible, and poseable!"

cheers,

dr geep ... :o]

edited 10/5/2019

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

Click to get a printed and bound copy plus T-shirts, mugs and hats

**A bartender was working one night when a customer caught his eye. The customer had his left hand up to his ear talking to it. The bartender walked over to the man and asked him, "what are you doing?" The man began to tell the bartender that he was an inventor and he had invented the first hand phone. All of a sudden his hand started to ring, "hold on a sec," he told the bartender as he pulled an antenna out of his finger. "Hello", he said, "I'm at the bar honey, I'll be home in a bit." "That is really something", said the bartender and went on to his business. A little later in the evening someone came up to the bartender and told him that the guy who was talking to his hand was in the men's room acting pretty strange and that he should check it out. When the bartender walked into the restroom there was the man standing, facing the wall with his hands outstreched and legs apart with his pants and underwear down to his ankles with a strand of toilet paper hanging out his butt. "What the heck are you doing?" asked the bartender. "Hold on a sec", said the customer "I have a fax coming in." **

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

"It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say." - Ghandi

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response, except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro,who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher asked "Who said that?" Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006!

I must remember to remember what it was I had to remember.

:)

An old man and a little boy are walking into the forest in the middle of the night.

"I'm scared!" says the little boy.

"How do you think I feel?" asks the old man, "I've got to walk back on my own!"

How many is a Brazilian? You only need one when it's the incomparable Ilona...

http://www.renderosity.com/viewed.ez?galleryid=503625&Start=109&Artist=SamTherapy&ByArtist=Yes

http://www.renderosity.com/viewed.ez?galleryid=1202503&Start=1&Artist=SamTherapy&ByArtist=Yes

Trust me, you wouldn't want to fight with this woman.

Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.

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A nervous primary school teacher hears there is about to be a visit from the school governors. Her class is very unruly, so naturally, she is worried that the governors will see her in a bad light.

One evening, she discusses the matter with her husband, who is something of an inventor. He goes round to the classroom and drills a small hole in each seat and places a sharp needle attatched to an electric motor under each hole. Next, he wires the whole bunch to a control panel under the teacher's desk, with a set of switches and a big red master switch.

On the day of the Governor's visit, the teacher is very nervous, but attentive as everyone walks into class. The kids, slouching around, suddenly jump to attention as the governors walk in, thanks to the teacher giving a sharp slap on the master switch, causing the needles to jump up through the holes in the seats.

"Most excellent", says the chief of the Governors. "Let's see what they learned from Bible studies", and pointing to a boy in the first row, says, "Who died on the cross to save our souls?"

The teacher flips a switch and the boy jumps up, shouting "Jesus Christ"

"Very good" , remarks the Governor, "now, can anyone tell me who hid in a basket in the river?"

The teacher hits the switch and a young lady jumps up, shouting, "Holy Moses!"

"Very, very impressive", says the Governor, and his entourage nod sagely.

"Finally", says the Governor, "I will give a commendation to any child who can tell me what Eve said to Adam in the Garden of Eden".

Before the teacher can move, a little girl at the back jumps to her feet and shouts, "You're not sticking that fucking thing in me!"

Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.

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CHINESE PROVERBS

~~~~~~~~~
Man
who run in front of car get tired.
~~~~~~~~~
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
~~~~~~~~~
Man who walk through airport
turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
~~~~~~~~~
Man
with one chopstick go hungry.
~~~~~~~~~
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
~~~~~~~~~
Man who eat many prunes
get good run for money.
~~~~~~~~~
Baseball is wrong: man with
four balls cannot walk.
~~~~~~~~~
Panties not best thing on
earth! But next to best thing on earth.
~~~~~~~~~
War does not
determine who is right, war determine who is
left.
~~~~~~~~~
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him
in cat house.
~~~~~! ~~~~
Man
who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
~~~~~~~~~
It
take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill
it.
~~~~~~~~~
Man who drive like hell, bound to get
there.
~~~~~~~~~
Man who stand on toilet is high on
pot.
~~~~~~~~~
Man who live in glass house should change clothes
in basement.
~~~~~~~~~
Man who fish in other man's well often
catch crabs.
~! ~~~~~~~~
Man who fart in church sit in own
pew.
~~~~~~~~~
Crowded elevator smell different to
midget.
~~~~~~~~~
Now send it to 10 or more people.
Nothing
will happen but 10 people will laugh.
~~~~~~~~~

Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it.
Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together.
All things connect......Chief Seattle, 1854

For the history buff in the group. FW: History of Mexico 101 (Cinco de Mayo)

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the

**condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. **

**The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so **

great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

..........Their National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it.
Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together.
All things connect......Chief Seattle, 1854

Excellent!!!!!!

I must remember to remember what it was I had to remember.

:b_funny: These are all great!!

"It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say." - Ghandi

[I apologize in advance for my lameness - I'm an electronics technician]

What did the one diode say to the other? You're biased.

"What did the one diode say to the other? You're biased."

I think it’s quite funny.

Do the impossible, see the invisible

ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWER

Touch the untouchable, break the unbreakable

ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWER

Do the impossible, see the invisible

ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWER

Touch the untouchable, break the unbreakable

ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWER

Do the impossible, see the invisible

ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWER

Touch the untouchable, break the unbreakable

ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWER

A city clicker moves out west and gets a job as the bartender in a saloon.
Everything is going well until one day a cowboy rushes into the saloon
and yells "Big Jake is a coming!"
All the other cowboys run out the back in terror.
The slicker is bewildered and doesn't know what to do.
All of a sudden a big mountain man rips the front door off
its hinges, storms into the saloon, throws a rattlesnake on
the bar , and bellows out "Give me a beer!"
As the mountain man is chugging down the beer the
slicker thinks "Well this guy may be a little rough, but he
doesn't seem that dangerous".
So the slicker asks if he wants another beer.
"Can't stay, Big Jake is a coming!"

What's white and wears a yellow check scarf?

Rupert the Fridge.

What's green with blue wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

What do an elephant and a plum have in common?

They're the same colour apart from the elephant.

And, Ladies and Gentlemen, Sam Therapy will now present the Greatest Joke in The Whole Universe... (drum roll)

What's the difference between a duck?

They both have one leg the same.

Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.

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Famous quotes:) Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield Money can't buy you happiness...but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan I am opposed to millionaires...but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. -- Joe Namath I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers Don't worry about avoiding temptation...as you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty...but every thing else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

I must remember to remember what it was I had to remember.

Quote - What's white and wears a yellow check scarf?

Rupert the Fridge.

What's green with blue wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

What do an elephant and a plum have in common?

They're the same colour apart from the elephant.

And, Ladies and Gentlemen, Sam Therapy will now present the Greatest Joke in The Whole Universe... (drum roll)

What's the difference between a duck?

They both have one leg the same.

Since SamTherapy got the ball rolling with those surrealist jokes I figured I'd keep the momentum going with these:

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Fish.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To understand why seventeen fairies consoled all their kitchen troubles in a yellow rock covered in a stylish freedom fighters dead skin with the phrase 'limbo chocolates for all' engraved in it.

Q: Who was the youngest Queen of England?
A: No, that little servant girl cannnot have any of my lucky soup pennies, Mr and Mrs Fellows will go mental.

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More Chinese proverbs:

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Girl who sit on Judge's lap get honorable discharge.

Man with two holes in pocket not feel too cocky all day.

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How do you get a guitarist to move off your front door step?

Pay for the pizza.

What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

Did you ever hear about the time the drummer locked the keys in the van?

It took the bass player an hour to get out.

How do you make two drummers play in time?

Shoot one.

What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you throw an accordian into a dumpster and it hits a banjo.

How can you tell when there's a singer at the front door?

He can't get the right key and he comes in at the wrong time.

What do you call a loser who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer.

How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one but there will be another 99 standing around saying they could have done it much better.

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A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in February," his friend replied, "and left me £25,000. Then in March my father died, leaving me £90,000."

"Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me £15,000." His friend continued.

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," concluded, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this row-boat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention.

She rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where did you get the row-boat? You must have been really lucky to have a row-boat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me", she said, "and the row-boat didn't wash up, nothing else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the row-boat?"

"I made the row-boat out of raw material that I found on the island", replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree"

"But, but", asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"

"Oh, no problem", replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that", she continued. "Where do you live?" At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.

"Well, let's row over to my place", she said. So they both got into the row-boat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the row-boat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much", she said, "but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?"

"No", said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice", the woman replied, "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After a while, when they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship"

"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs...

"You look great", said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned - this time wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me", she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is", the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an Internet connection?"

Dither, dither, dally and shiver,
Lungs guffaw, and belly quiver!

STOP PALESTINIAN CHILD ABUSE!!!! ISLAMIC HATRED OF JEWS

Does anyone know about the old Gaucho named Bruno? i'd tell it, but I'm not sure the TOS would allow it, even with a language advisory.
DPH

STOP PALESTINIAN CHILD ABUSE!!!! ISLAMIC HATRED OF JEWS

What do elephants and petrol(gasoline) have in common?

They both come in gallons....

oO

Schizophrenics of the world....UNITE!

Dyslexics of the world....UNTIE!

"That which doesn't kill you is probably re-loading"

you've piqued our interest...let it rip :)

Quote - Does anyone know about the old Gaucho named Bruno? i'd tell it, but I'm not sure the TOS would allow it, even with a language advisory.
DPH

Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it.
Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together.
All things connect......Chief Seattle, 1854

'There ounce was an old gaucho named Bruno,
Who said, "Sex is one thing I do know!
A women is fine, a sheep is divine,
But a llama ('Smack!'), NUMERO UNO!"'

STOP PALESTINIAN CHILD ABUSE!!!! ISLAMIC HATRED OF JEWS

This one in meant in fun, and should NOT be misconstued;
    'What di one Andi3d freebie say to the othe?
    Dunno, wha?
    I've got a BONE to pick with you!!'

STOP PALESTINIAN CHILD ABUSE!!!! ISLAMIC HATRED OF JEWS

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary and those who don't.

And slightly less geeky.....

Two Blonde Essex Girls walk into a department store, They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Debs sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace"
"Yeah what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi ladies is French for 'come to me'"
Debs takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"

These are some good jokes.

Being an engineer myself, here's my all time favorite:

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay
with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked,

"What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, and that I’ll
stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss
me?" The engineer said, "Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool."

Renderosity forum reply notifications are wonky. If I read a follow-up in a thread, but I don't myself reply, then notifications no longer happen AT ALL on that thread. So if I seem to be ignoring a question, that's why. (Updated September 23, 2019)

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.".

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?".

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away his secrets like:

"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or

"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or

"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

Here is a computer related one that I heard awhile back and just looked up again:

Upgrading Girlfriend to Wife

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8, and the BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

A "Don't Remind Me Again" button
A Minimize button
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of Cache and other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems' hardware probe feature to be much more useful

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 FIRST. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that sucks -- all versions of GirlFriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

BUG WARNING***Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

BUG WORK AROUNDSTo avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name, Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

"It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say." - Ghandi

Hehe, and what are computer jokes without a few Microsoft honourable mentions :P

What did Bill Gate's wife say to him on their wedding night?

No wonder you called the company Microsoft

Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb?

A: He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard.

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, If we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

l. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
The airbag system would ask "are you sure" before deploying.
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."

"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."

"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."

"It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say." - Ghandi

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's going to start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Damn, it's started."

Be Alert!

The world needs more lerts...

This is the most surreal joke ever told to me, and the first time I heard it I was laughing so hard I cried...

A man runs into a Pharmacy.

"Quick!" he calls out to the assistant. "I need a red toothbrush!"

Sadly the assistant shakes her head from side to side. "I'm sorry, sir, we only have blue."

"It's okay," replies the man. "I'm on a bike anyway!"

This is half truth, half joke.

The true part:

The last American survivor of the sinking of the Titanic died Saturday.

The joke part:

They were only minutes from fishing her out of the water!

John

A cardiologist dies and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

"It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say." - Ghandi

A woman is home alone and the doorbell rings. She

opens it to a guy who says, "Hi, I'm Chris, is Tony

home?" The wife replies, "No, I'm his wife Sara, he

went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the

friend says "You know Sara, you have some of the

greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a

1,000 bucks just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what

the hell - a 1,000 bucks! She opens her robe and shows

one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her

and throws a 1,000 bucks on the table. They sit there

a while longer and the guy then says "That was so

amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you

another 1,000 dollars if I could just see the both of

them together."

Sara amazed by the offer thinks a bit about it and

decides, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and

gives Chris a nice long chance to get a look. Chris

again puts the money down on the table. After waiting

a while longer Chris gets up to leave telling Sara to

tell her husband he said hi.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store.

The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris

came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Great,

did he drop off the 2,000 bucks he owes me?"

I quoted this from a Bradford area newspaper today: "A Government inspector was left glued to a seat while monitoring a lesson at a failing secondary school criticised by a watchdog for the behaviour of some of its pupils."

What a great thread! Okay, I'll play:

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard

To get her poor dog a bone!

When she bent over, Rover drove her!

He had a bone of his own!

Courtesy of a long dead friend who had what must have been one of the world's greatest

collection of limerick and other bawdy poems!

Well there are very few limericks that can be told and still be within the TOS, but here's one

There was a young lady named Bright
whos speed was much faster than light
she departed one day in a relative way
and returned on the previous night

Click to get a printed and bound copy plus T-shirts, mugs and hats

If Computer people set up elephant hunts (this is about 15 years old, so it's a bit spotty)

Software salesmen would promise 3 elephants a week prior to season opening

Programmers would start in Capetown, and go right to left going north looking for anything large and gray

Experienced programmers would put an Elephant in Cairo to end the search

Assembler programmers would do the same, only on their hands and knees.

there's about 16 more, but I don't remember those..;)

There once was a knight named Lancelot
of whom ladies looked askance a lot
whenever he passed
a presentable lass
the front of his pants would advance a lot

How do you know you have a drummer at the door?
The knocking speeds up
they don't know when to come in

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
homeless

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
none, they got machines that do that now

How many Virginians does it take to change a light bulb?
3; 1 to change the bulb, and 2 to complain about how much better the old one was

How many New Yorkers?
50..50? yeah, it's in the Contract, 50

How Many New Jerseyans?
3- 1 to change the bulb, 2 to shoot the witnesses

How many psychologists?
1, but the bulb has to want to change

Feminists (boy am I dating myself on this one..;)
That's not funny!

Apple engineers
1, he (she) stands in place, and the world revolves around them

fundamentalists (go for broke)
3; 1 to change the bulb, and 2 to testify it was lit from the moment he began screwing..;)

ok..that's enough..

I wish I'd said that.. The Staircase Wit

anahl nathrak uth vas betude doth yel dyenvey..;)

Hope this one does not cross the dreaded TOS borders:

Subject: A lesson in paying attention

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck the finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns
sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them.

The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay "attention."

The pen is mightier than the sword. But if you literally want to have some impact, use a typewriter

My gallery My freestuff

LOL, these are great! Thanks for sharing them.

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield

"It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say." - Ghandi

Quote - LOL, these are great! Thanks for sharing them.

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield

When you sneeze, it sounds like "Atishoosaprettyboythen!"

Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.

My Store

My Gallery

svdl, that was awesome! Larry F, That Mother Hubberd is not quite correct. I can IM you if you want the actual fully correct version. It's one of a whole series of nursury rhymes by Andrew "Diceman" Clay. I have a special of his on VHS and watched it again recently. Completely crude but funny as heck!

Before they made me they broke the mold!
http://home.roadrunner.com/~kflach/

ITALIAN BOY CONFESSIONS

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.

The priest ask, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?

Yes, Father it is.

And who was the woman you were with?

I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?

I cannot say.

Was it Teresa Volpe?

I'll never tell.

Was it Nina Capeli?

I'm sorry but I cannot name her.

Was it Cathy Piriano?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, What'd you get?

Four months vacation and five good leads...

This is one I heard on the radio years ago, from the late great Kenneth Williams -

There was an old man of Madrid
Who went to an auction to bid
The first thing they showed
Was an ancient commode
What-ho! when they took off the lid

Newlywed bride to husband: 'Darling, I've no idea what I should wear tonight.'
Newlywed husband to bride: 'Sweatheart, you're putting me on!'

STOP PALESTINIAN CHILD ABUSE!!!! ISLAMIC HATRED OF JEWS

Hey Bobasaur,

Sure thing, fire away!

It's one thing I can remember a good friend rattling off. He had a thousand (I'm sure more, LOL!). For some reason that has always stuck in my mind! But now that you mention it, it does have a very "Diceman" flavor to it!

And thanks!

Larry F

You know, laughter can keep you healthy they say, but sadly my good friend Raye died right after his 50th birthday! Probably keeping them in stitches somewhere I guess - and hope! One time we got stopped for speeding and while the cop was running our names he was rattling off one liners, had the guy in stitches, even though he still gave him a ticket!

Quote - One time we got stopped for speeding and while the cop was running our names he was rattling off one liners, had the guy in stitches, even though he still gave him a ticket!

LMAO, that reminds me of something from years and years ago. I was on a city bus on my way home from a friend's house late in the evening. The bus destination name was titled "Portage - Sturgeon Rd", meaning it went down Portage Ave as far as Sturgeon Rd and returned.

The bus driver was a riot. He not only announced each bus stop as he approached it, which was strange enough because that is not policy here. But was also telling fish jokes to the passengers over his intercom! LMAO

**** gotta go, really wicked storm just came up and lightning struck nearby ****

"It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say." - Ghandi

Mechanics 101.

Teacher: "Janet, can you tell me the difference between a screw, a nail and a bolt?"

Janet: "----"

Teacher: "Well?"

Janet: "Uhm, I've never been bolted?"

The pen is mightier than the sword. But if you literally want to have some impact, use a typewriter

My gallery My freestuff

There was a pirate named Yates
who danced on roller skates
til he fell on his cutlass
and now he is nutless
and entirely useless on dates.

More from the limerick front (all oldies, but I like 'em)

There was a young man in Boston
Who bought himself a new Austin
There was room for his arse
And a gallon of gas
But the rest hung out - and he lost 'em

There was a young lady called Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair
At least that's what I thought
Until I saw one get caught
On a thorn and begin losing air

There was a young man in Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born
And he wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the top of his rubber was torn

The pen is mightier than the sword. But if you literally want to have some impact, use a typewriter

My gallery My freestuff

Got this in email and thought I'd share it here:

Little Old Lady in court.....

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: ! No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

"It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say." - Ghandi

ROFL! Acadia! Love that one!

Two terrorist managed to sneak into the U.S.
They were having lunch at a local fast food joint.
The first terrorist starting talking in his native tongue.
The second terrorist stopped him. "Remember, we
are in America now. You must not raise any suspicion.
Speak Spanish."

My favorite blonde joke:

A blind guy is so drunk he gets lost and wanders into an unfamiliar bar. The unfamiliar music is Melissa Etheridge. He sits down, orders a beer, takes a drink, and bellows, "Hey! I'm gonna tell the world's greatest blonde joke!"

A Lauren Bacall voice next to him says, "Sir, before you do that I want you to know that Cherry, the bouncer, is blonde and so's Wanda, the bartender. And she keeps a baseball bat behind the counter. Elaine over in the booth by the door is blonde, and she drives truck. Vivianne is a professional wrestler, and she's blonde. And I'm blonde. I'm a roller derby champ. You sure you want to tell that blonde joke?"

"Hell no, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"

Attached Link: Numa Numa

*wipes tears from eyes*

OMG! They mentioned this on the local news and I had to look it up. LMAO

I laughed till I piddled... literally, LOL

NOTE: You need sound turned on

"It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say." - Ghandi

"Dragostea Din Tei" was quite popular in Europe last summer (or was it two years ago ?). I hated that song, it was aired everywhere over and over... But because of all the silly parodies like this one, the song finally stole my heart blush

BTW, original video is silly too. Very silly.

Outdated gallery over at DeviantArt

Fics at FanFiction.net and Archive of Our Own (AO3)

I have no idea what the song is about, but the guy in the video cracks me up, especially when he really starts going at it with his arms in the air and stuff, LMAO

That has to be the funniest thing I've seen in a very long time. I have painful ribs and it hurts to laugh but even though it hurt like a bugger, I couldn't stop myself LOL

"It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say." - Ghandi

Gary Brolsma is the guy in the video. He recorded this on his webcam just as a joke for some friends. They shared it and it became an internet phenomena. He got interviewed on various TV shows and certainly got his 15 minutes of fame. There are quite a few knock-offs of this including one that's a video shot from the back of the room while a whole school class faces a screen in front of the class doing the motions along with him (he's projected on the front screen).

Before they made me they broke the mold!
http://home.roadrunner.com/~kflach/

Teacher is in front of a class and asks each student what jobs their fathers' have.

Susan says her father is a mechanic.

William says her father is a salesman.

Jonathan says "My father is dead."

The teacher, startled because she didn't know this, asks "What did he do before he died?"

Jonathan looks at her and replies, clutching his throat, "He went gaaaackkkkarrrghhh."

Click the picture for a funny poser5 Animation (2.5 Mb)

With regard to the Limericks, two of my favourites are pastiches:

There was a young girl from Dundee
Got stung on the neck by a wasp.
When asked "Did it hurt?"
She said "No, not a bit.
It can do it again if it likes"

2nd (and my favourite):

There was a young man from Dunoon
Who used to eat soup with a fork.
He said "When I eat
Either fish, fowl or fruit
I always get through it too quick"

And, as an after-dinner offering...(nothing to do with Limericks)

There was a Professor of Logic at a University. He had prepared for his afternoon lecture by writing a rather complicated logical proof on the blackboard.

When the students were assembled, the Professor strode in and started: "Well, I'm sure that you can all see from the formula behind me that it is perfectly obvious that.... errmm...ummm..."
Whereupon he stopped, looked at the board, started mumbling to himself and looking at the ceiling, back to the formula, back to the ceiling...
.
Then he turned to the class and said, "Excuse me a moment, I have to check something." and left the lecture hall.

20 minutes, later, he returned, beaming in delight.
He addressed the class and said "I was right! It IS perfectly obvious that....."

Cheers,
Diolma

I eat my peas with honey

I've done it all my life

It makes the peas taste funny

but it keeps them on my knife..;)

19th Centure doggerel..;)

I wish I'd said that.. The Staircase Wit

anahl nathrak uth vas betude doth yel dyenvey..;)

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.

He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

"It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say." - Ghandi

There once was a man named McGill,
Whose acts grew exceedingly ill,
He insisted on habits,
involving white rabbits,
and a bird with a flexible bill.

There was a young girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought babies came only from God.
T'wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie.
T'was Roger the Lodger by god!

There once was a man from Bel Air,
Who was doing his girl on the stair.
When the banister broke,
He doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.

The once was a young girl from Norway
Who hung by her feet from the doorway;
Which worked out quite well,
'Cause when you rang her bell,
It actually turned out to be foreplay!

**There once was a couple named Kelly
who walked around belly to belly
because in their haste they used library paste
instead of petroleum jelly
**

Click to get a printed and bound copy plus T-shirts, mugs and hats

There was a "Husband Shopping Center" where a woman could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.

First floor: The door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say, "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

Second floor: Says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking" "Hummm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework. " WOW! say the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And up they go.

Fourth Floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further up!" So up to the fifth floor they go.

Fifth floor: The sign on the door read, "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Please exit the building and have a nice day!

Middle of the night, a couple are snuggled up on the sofa having a few beers and watching TV.
The doorbell goes and the girl says 'it's late wonder how that it is'. Guy answers opens the door and finds a 6ft beetle standing there holding a baseball bat.

The guy looks suprised but asks the beetle whats up. beetle smiles and proceeds to kick the **** out of the guy with the bat.

It only stops when the girl appears, it walks forward, helps itself to a can of beer, drinks it with a large belch, and snogs the girl. The bettle then kicks the guy in the ***s and walks off into the night singing a spice-girls song.

After a few minutes the paramedics and cops arrive, put the guy in the amubulance and drive off. The girl turns to the cop who says 'don't worry love, he'll be fine in the morning, it's just a bad bug going around'.

Pinky - you left the lens cap of your mind on again.

“The fact that no one understands you…Doesn’t make you an artist.”

Don't remember where it came from, but this one had me rolling on the floor:

The pen is mightier than the sword. But if you literally want to have some impact, use a typewriter

My gallery My freestuff

I'll try to make this one short:

Four elderly gentleman are playing a round of golf.

One guy hits his ball way off into the woods and he goes to retrieve it.

In his absence,the three other older gents take this opportunity to brag about how successful they're sons have become

One says "My son owns a successful Card Dealership,he's made enough money that just last week, he bought a friend of his a car".

"That's nothing " says the next old guy. "My son owns a Boat dealership, and has made so much money,that just last week,he bought a friend of his a boat".

The third gent, not to be outdone says "I've got you both beat, My son is a real-estate tycoon,and has made enough money, that just last week, he bought a friend of his a House".

About that time, the guy who ran off to get his ball, comes back and the others quickly shut up and change the subject.

He picks up on the snobbery, and says "Oh....I see...You guys are bragging about how successful your sons are again, and don't want to include me because you know my son is gay... Well let me just tell you something...My son is doing pretty damn good himself. In fact, just last week, one of his lovers bought him a car, another bought him a boat, and another one bought him a house".

8 )

“The fact that no one understands you…Doesn’t make you an artist.”

Calliing in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always have the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.

By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occured mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come and reset it." "You know where the reset button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed with the full weight of kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.....and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

"It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say." - Ghandi

Hope this doesn't offend anybody, but I thought it was funny.

A thief was trying to open a window when he heard a voice say "God is watching you." He looked around and didn't see where the voice was coming from. So he went back to work.

A few minutes later he had the window unlocked and slid it open a few inches. Again, he heard "God is watching you." He looked around and didn't see anybody, so he continued to slide the window open.

When he finally got the window open wide enough, he started crawling through. When he was halfway in the window he heard "God is watching you." He looked around inside the house. There he finally saw a big cage with a parrot in it.

The theif asked the parrot "Was that you saying that?"

Parrot said "Yep!"

The theif said "And I suppose your name is God?"

Parrot said "Nope! My name is Jesus."

The theif asked "What kind of people name their parrot Jesus?"

The parrot answered "The same kind of people that name their rottweiler God."

Acadia, that story is masterful!

It's hard to believe, but something like that actually happened to me a couple of years ago. Luckily the goods were somewhat protected and I didn't hit my head...

I was taking a shower when the phone rang, so I put on a bathrobe and picked it up. It was my sister.
I sat down in my comfy chair and my cat jumped on my lap. Intrigued by an unfamiliar lump the bastard decided to bite down on it. When my sister found out why I was yelling she fell off her chair laughing. Literally.

I still wonder if my cat was trying to get even for being neutered....

The pen is mightier than the sword. But if you literally want to have some impact, use a typewriter

My gallery My freestuff

Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).

Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a variety of odors, from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember, your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.

So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.

Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.

First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.
Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No, blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.
Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.
Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire, the cat barely notices you anyway.
Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed is essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.
As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.
During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.
Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.
Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat. Reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.
Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door, put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly, into tub, if possible, Do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
In about 2 hours it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog, plotting his revenge.

Two gorgeous blondes that were friends in college chance to meet years later in Miami Beach.

“I can’t believe we ran into each other. What brings you down here?”

“I’m kind of recovering from a real tragedy. Our house caught fire — and burned to the ground — and — and — my dear husband didn’t make it out in time. I’m using some of his million dollar life insurance policy to kind of get my mind off everything.”

“That’s so terrible — and such a coincidence, too. I’m down here for almost the same reason. A tornado came through our town and my husband was killed. I’m spending a little of the five million dollars from the insurance company to try to get over the loss.”

“Five million? Five million dollars! Tell me — how do you start a tornado?”

A gorgeous blond wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary items together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE! ”

Startled, the blond moved further down the ice and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE! ”

The blond, now quite alarmed, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more: “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE! ”

She stopped, looked skyward, and timidly asked, “Is that you, Lord? ”

The voice replied, “No, I’m Jeff, the Ice Rink Manager! ”

Two gorgeous blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter of the fast food restaurant, one blond asked the manager, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are — very slowly?”

The manager looked both of them over carefully, checked out their hair, shrugged, leaned over the counter, and said, “Burrrrrrrr - gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing.”

The gorgeous blonde’s newlywed military husband receives orders to a tiny remote south Pacific island for a six month tour of duty and she has to stay in the states. In his first letter back home he says,

“I thought this would be an easy assignment, but it is turning into murder! All of the local girls are absolutely gorgeous — and — they all walk around on the beaches topless! It’s really hard to resist their charms. But — I’ve always wanted to learn to play the harmonica — so mail me one and I’ll practice with it so I can keep my mind off these fabulous girls.”

Needless to say, the blond quickly sends him a harmonica!

At the end of his tour, she meets him at the plane and he rushes into her arms.

“I’ve waited so long for this moment to be back in your arms again! And I can’t wait to get you alone!”

“Hold it right there, Buster! First I want to hear how well you can play that harmonica!!”

Click to get a printed and bound copy plus T-shirts, mugs and hats

And I guess it's time for the classic...

How To Give A Cat A Pill

If you have ever tried to give a cat a pill you know

how difficult it is. The following instructions are fool proof!

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under chair. Cradle cat
in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees. Holding
front and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse
to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with it's head
just visible from beneath spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans. Drink
glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot.
throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call the fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garage.
Force cat's mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed}
by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint
of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly
while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order
a new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make housecall.

now I know why I don;t like cats. Thanks for firming up my opinion :)

Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it.
Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together.
All things connect......Chief Seattle, 1854

hehe. Love all of these.

"It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say." - Ghandi

what kind of bee's give milk?

boo-bee's! :tt2:

Comitted to excellence through art.

Mommy mommy can I lick the bowl ??
No, dear, you must flush it like everyone else does ....

Q : Why does a fart smell ?
A : to cater for the deaf...

Have to share this! Have your sound turned up! LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=un_PjRXV5l8

"It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say." - Ghandi

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never," said Ralph.

"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shittin' the bed!"

Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.

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Allegedly a true entry on a dating site:

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:

Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?
Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

**it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

THE ANSWER

PostingID: 432279810
Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a business guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.

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A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off! Or I'll kick the ____ out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago".

Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it.
Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together.
All things connect......Chief Seattle, 1854

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends.... A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ....I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

"It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say." - Ghandi

You're a photographer walking around town with your camera, trying to find a good photo you can sell.

Suddenly you hear screaming and notice Hillary Clinton in the water, drowning. You have a choice. Do you save Hillary, or take what will surely be a pullitzer winning photo?

So the question is, color or black and white film?

The Doctors

A Japanese doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we took the kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

A Chicago doctor, not to be outdone said, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work."

"It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say." - Ghandi

geez, you resurrected this thread for that one ? ;)

Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it.
Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together.
All things connect......Chief Seattle, 1854

Quote - geez, you resurrected this thread for that one ? ;)

"It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say." - Ghandi

**Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman
Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink." **
**The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us." **
**The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put
On a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in." **
**The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a
Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. **
**Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." **
**The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, **

** "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"**

Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it.
Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together.
All things connect......Chief Seattle, 1854

Quote - ** "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"**

Now THAT was worth resurrecting the thread for!

"Well, folks, here's the latest update. I guess this is good news. BP officials say the 'top kill' plan is working. The bad news — BP officials are a bunch of lying weasels." –Jay Leno

"In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat." –Jimmy Fallon

"Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." -Jay Leno

"I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!" –Jay Leno

Click to get a printed and bound copy plus T-shirts, mugs and hats

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

Eighty percent held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said,

"I outlived the bitches."

Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it.
Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together.
All things connect......Chief Seattle, 1854

Cinderella

CINDERELLA was now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'? The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension..' Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'.

The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.' At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young Body returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?' Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.' Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry you had me neutered'

Gary

"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "Hello ... you are on the other side."

Gary

"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"

Last Thanksgiving, my mom decided to play a trick on my sister (who's blonde). To get her out of the house, she convinced her that we needed more half and half for the coffee.

While my sister was out, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, then put it inside the turkey, packing stuffing all around it. She then put the turkey back in the oven.

When everything was ready, my sister took the turkey out of the oven and began to remove the stuffing. When she felt something, she reached in and pulled out the Cornish hen.

Pretending to be shocked, by mother exclaimed, "Patti, you've cooked a pregnant turkey!"

My sister began to cry and was inconsolable. It took us half an hour to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Click to get a printed and bound copy plus T-shirts, mugs and hats

This is for all the mods and TOS police around here .... and some others that don't do it.

PHONE REPAIR

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by

pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it.
Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together.
All things connect......Chief Seattle, 1854

Dave-So I hope some of the people that complain in the forum about various products don't see this. I'd hate to be a moderator and have to wipe up after them if they do. :laugh:

Gary

"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"

True Story:

I lady had a cat. It was an indoor female cat that had never gone out of the house. One day the lady notices that the cat was getting rather big around the belly, so much that it seemed it was pregnant. To be sure she called a vet who came to examine the cat and he confirmed that it was in fact pregnant. "But that can't be" the lady said, "he's never gone out and he's never had company". "Are you absolutely sure?" the vet replied, "Maybe he sneaked out when you weren't looking." But the lady was quite sure that her cat had not had any relations with other cats. While the vet rubbed his chin in amazement another cat strolled by him. "Wait a minute!" the vet yelled, "Who's that?!" "Who that?," the lady said calmly, "That's just her brother". :)

Vestmann's Gallery

Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it.

She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning.

Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

"Honey," he said. "You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked Martha.

"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in."

A young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.

He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard jigsaw puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

A young guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want a pitcher with a shot of every bottle of anything you have. If there's any space left in there, fill it up with bourbon".

The bartender starts pouring the drinks and says to the guy, "Man, this is gonna be one expensive drink. You celebrating something?"

"Kinda", the young guy says, "my first blow job".

"Whoa", says the bartender, "I'da thought you'd have champangne."

"Well", replies the young guy, "I may do if I can get rid of the taste".

Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.

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I can't believe it. I went to a Vuvuzela concert last night and a soccer match broke out! :cursing:

Gary

"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"

Di Tri Berrese
(Disse Librette ise for dose hua laiche to follo di spiecher uail ise spicce)

Uance appone taim uase tri berrese. Mamma berre, pappa berre enna beibe berre. Live inna contri nire foresta. Naise ause. No mogheggia. Uane dei, pappa, mamma e beibi olle go bice. Onele a forghette locche de dorre.

Bai enne bai comese Goldilocchese. Sci garra nattinge to du bedder maiche troble. Sci puscie olle fudda daon di maute; no live cromme. Den sci gos appesterrese enne slipse in alle beddese! Leise slobbe!

Bai enne bai commes omme di tri berrese, olle sanneborne uite send inne scius. Dei garra no fudde, no beddese. En uara dei goine du to Goldilocchese? Tro erra aute inne strit? Colle pulissemenne? Fatte cienze!

Dei uas Italien berrese enne dei slippe onna florrse.

Goldilocchese stei derre tri uicchese. Itte dem aute ausen omme. En giust bicose dei esche erre uanse to maicha di beddese, sci sai, “Go to elle!” Den sci ronne omme craine to erra mamma, tellenerre uat sanimbiceses di tri berres uere.

Uatsiuse! Uara iu goine du? Go complaine sittiolle?

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes
and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over
and says "Hey,you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or
twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we
pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of
bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them
fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel.
There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way
to test it. Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks
good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell
us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my
sign. I don't wanna lose it.

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my
truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't
resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three
just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to
the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back
to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the
exhaust pipe, then says, Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing
his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't
you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and
I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help
and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went
through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was
clear of needing a sign...until he asked, So..is your truck stuck?" I
couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and
then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your
sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and
said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago.
Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today? 

The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign
is.

I remember that when my Grandad was getting near his last days he asked my Gran to spread lard on his back.

After that he went downhill very quickly.

Expert in computer code including, but not limited to, BTW; IIRC; IMHO; LMAO; BRB; OIC; ROFL; TTYL. Black belt in Google-fu.

ROFL replicant.. Took a moment to sink in but then.. LOL!

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,
........... just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo?
It's been a year, I told him!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

"It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say." - Ghandi

lol Acadia - I LOVE this one. Might even use it one day myself. Hold'em to their word I say :)

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde?' the girl asked.

'Yes, it's because you're blonde,' said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. 'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!'

'Very good,' said her mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?'

'Yes, it's because you're blonde.'

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. 'Mommy, Mommy,' she yelled, 'we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!' And she lifted her tank top to reveal a shapely 36C bust.

'Very good,' said her embarrassed mother.

'Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?'

'No Honey, it's because you're 24.'

Expert in computer code including, but not limited to, BTW; IIRC; IMHO; LMAO; BRB; OIC; ROFL; TTYL. Black belt in Google-fu.

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the world are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.

"It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never
able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good
heart whatever they might have to say." - Ghandi

Forum: Poser - OFFICIAL

Subject: (OT) Let's share some laughter :)

Upgrading Girlfriend to Wife