O.k. maybe they're not that funny - perhaps it would be more fun to figure out who said them???

"What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog."

"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened."

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made."

"The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year."

"I drink therefore I am."

"History shall be kind to me. For I intend to write it."

"An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them."

Man you think those jokes were old? check out this site:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080731/lf_nm_life/britain_joke_dc
(also you can check your answers here )
 http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/nm/lf_nm_life/storytext/britain_joke_dc/28420241/SIG=10qqhrvtq/*http://www.dave-tv.co.uk

"Nothing in Moderation"-Ernie Kovacs-*his eptitaph

good for a chuckle....

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driving  slower/faster - George Carlin
Immortality by not dying - Woody Allen
I recognize more, but don't know who said them.

I wish I'd said that.. The Staircase Wit

anahl nathrak uth vas betude doth yel dyenvey..;)

Here's one:
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather and not screaming in fear like his passenger.

any good chicken jokes...?

light bulb turning jokes..?

bartender jokes...?

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A blonde and a brunette were walking down the street and the brunette says "Look at the dead bird". The blonde looks up in the sky and says "Where?".

Here is another one:
Have you noticed that your shit is stuff and everyone else's stuff is shit?

cute...  a blonde joke

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Pakled:
Right on both counts ! !

Surprised Bryster hasn't chimed in . one of those is from a favorite author of his.

O.K. how many ducks DOES it take to screw in a lightbulb?l

O.K. a kangaroo walks into a bar, sits on a stool, orders a Guinness, flops down a hundred dollar bill. 
The bartender picks up the bill and promptly gives him back $2.95 in change. The 'roo looks at the Guinness  and the change and shrugs his shoulders.
Not having much else to do the bartender says to the kangaroo "You know, we don' get many kangaroos in here ".
The 'roo still looking at the change, says: "... and at prices like these you're not likely to get many more, either ! "   

Thank you for your patience with me bikermouse....     I realized I had hijacked your post...    My memory has faded on these quotes you posted...  

I liked the kangaroo joke...

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hmm...wouldn't be surprised if there's a Terry Pratchett in there, but I've only read about 10 of his 40+ books...;)

Light bulb jokes (don't know why, but Compuserve had hundreds of them back in the 80s)

How many New Yorkers?  - 50. 50? yeah, it's in the contract, 50.
New Jersians (is that a word?) - 3; 1 to change the light bulb, and 2 to kill the witnesses
Feminists? that's not funny!...;)
Surrealists? - 1 to walk the giraffe, and 1 to fill the bathtub with jello
Psychiatrists? - only 1, but the lightbulb has to want to change
Apple engineers? - 1. He holds it in place, and the world revolves around him
Lead guitarists? - 38; 1 to change the light bulb, and 37 to say how much better they would have  done it
Drummers? - none. We have machines that do that now
Viginians? - 3; 1 to change the light bulb, and 2 to talk about how much better the old one was
Fundamentalists? - 3; 1 to change the lightbulb, and 2 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began s**wing it...;)
ok...that's enough...;)

I wish I'd said that.. The Staircase Wit

anahl nathrak uth vas betude doth yel dyenvey..;)

an elite....   takes 3..  
one takes notice of the light bulb,,,
one makes the drinks
and the other makes the call to the janitor...

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How many people from Marin County does it take to screw in a lightbulb? People in Marin County don't screw in lightbulbs silly, they s***w in hottubs!

Pakled:
Right again !! Give you a hint - his wasn't the one about writing history.
Virgins? You know 3 of them? . . . we are talking women here . . . 
Oh wait ... that was Virginians - nevermind.

50:
I'd think ducks do something similar . . . and not necessarily in Marin County either !

Quote - How many people from Marin County does it take to screw in a lightbulb? People in Marin County don't screw in lightbulbs silly, they s***w in hottubs!

Kiwi take on this one_______ "s***w in the hot tub!?!?!",  "bugger the light bulb!"

Cheers
GG

WHO said Kiwi's can't Fly ?????

How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
...
Just one - but it takes a whole emergency room to get it back out!

Pass no temptation lightly by, for one never knows when it may pass again!