A man was sitting reading his newspaper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'.

Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.

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ROTFL!

LOL good one. I was thinking about a post like this. ----don't have to now. Here is mine.

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in the Sun Lake Arizona Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a stranger here?”

He replies, “I lived here years ago.”

“So, where were you all these years?”

“In prison”, he says.

“Why did they put you in prison?”

He looked at her, and very quietly said, “I killed my wife.”

“Oh!” said the woman. “So you’re single….?????!”

it's not easy for those horses to handle one of those iphone screens, either, AFAIK.

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight
response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the
trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

“The fact that no one understands you…Doesn’t make you an artist.”

Got another one:

For everyone that has or had a bad or hate my job day. Take heed, it could be worse.

Stop at your favorite pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is this statement:

“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.”

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times; “ I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.”

Have a nice day; and remember, there is always someone else with a job that is more of a pain in the butt than yours!

Hawkfyr you are evil. Cut and pasted to my dad

8 )~

“The fact that no one understands you…Doesn’t make you an artist.”

ha ha ha these are good

I will have to come up with one now

PoserPro 2014, Windows 7, AMD FX-6300 6 core, 8 GB ram, Nvidia GeForce GTX 750 Ti

**

13 Things PMS Stands For:**

**

Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree** **
Puffy Mid-Section
People Make me Sick
Provide Me Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly; Men Suck
Pack My Stuff** **

... and my favorite :

13.. Potential Murder Suspect**

PoserPro 2014, Windows 7, AMD FX-6300 6 core, 8 GB ram, Nvidia GeForce GTX 750 Ti

LOL, we are on a roll, Jan

Roses are red, violets are blue

I have A.D.D.

Oh, cheese and crackers.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AMD FX-9590 4.7ghz 8-core, 32gb of RAM, Win7 64bit, nVidia GeForce GTX 760

PoserPro2012, Photoshop CS4 and Magix Music Maker

--------------------------------------------------------------

...and when the day is dawning...I have to say goodbye...a last look back into...your broken eyes.

Q: Why are children like farts ?

A: Because, in both cases, you can only tolerate your own.

A few days ago I was having some work done on my car at the local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'.

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' the mechanic fainted

If you're not sure what a 710 is, see the next post

Gary

"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"

Gary

"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"

3 old men were sitting around complaining about getting old and the problems that come with it.

The first sighs and says "I remember the days when I didn't need a catheter to pee"

The second one says "yeah, I remember when I didn't need a nurse and an enema to take a crap too."

The third one leans forward and says "Every morning at 6AM, I take a nice long piss, followed at 6:10 with a healthy dump."

The others look at him incredulously. "And what are you complaining about?" They ask.

"Well," he says leaning back. "I don't wake up until 7..."

If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.

Attached Link: Lucy about Grandfather

Hi

Here's mine....

Click on the link.

Mike

If you shoot a mime, do you need a silencer?

Ps. I love the 710 joke, I may use that one! I can see that animated. LOL

If you shoot a mime, do you need a silencer?

A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really.
You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

Somebody stole a pair of the wife's knickers off our washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she'd like the 12 pegs back.

Kate Middleton says to the Queen, "What's the secret to a successful marriage?" Queen replies "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off."

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.

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Oh well, here goes...

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

Windows 10 x64 Pro - Intel Xeon E5450 @ 3.00GHz (x2)

PoserPro 11 - Units: Metres

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LoL @ cspear

“The fact that no one understands you…Doesn’t make you an artist.”

Quote - A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight
response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the
trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
was recently faced with a unique problem . A number of 12-year-old
girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the
bathroom .
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press
their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints . Every
night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the
girls would put them back . Finally the principal decided that
something had to be done ..

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man . She explained that all these lip prints were causing
a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses)
..

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required .
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it .

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror .

There are teachers . . . . and then there are educators

“The fact that no one understands you…Doesn’t make you an artist.”

An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says. "I love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without you"...Her husbans asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"...She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."

PoserPro 2014, Windows 7, AMD FX-6300 6 core, 8 GB ram, Nvidia GeForce GTX 750 Ti

CHILI, TEXAS STYLE

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. Read it all. Do not skip any sections. Do not skip ahead.

Pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

Note: For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off around Halloween. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

CHILI, TEXAS STYLE !!!
Note from Frank: "Recently, while visiting Texas (I'm from Springfield, IL) I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light beer booth, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that even though I was inexperienced as a Chili taster, the chili >wouldn't be all that spicy. Besides, they told me, I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting {censored}-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, >sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will >eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
*Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. *I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. Atleast during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

A KingAir had just rotated (lifted-off the runway) at take-off when there was an enormous bang and the starboard engine burst into flames.

After stamping on the rudder to sort out the asymmetric thrust, trying to feather the propeller and going through the engine fire drills with considerable calmness and aplomb, the stress took its toll on the Captain...

He transmitted to the tower in a level friendly voice: "Ladies and gentleman. There is no problem at all but we're just going to land for a nice cup of tea."

He then switched to cabin intercom and screamed at the passengers: "Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. Engine fire. Prop won't feather. If I can't hold this asymmetric we're going in. Emergency landing. Get the crash crew out."

The aircraft landed safely with the passengers' hair standing on end.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

Khai-J-Bach with a last name like Bach it adds to the great Beethoven joke :laugh:

I am sure my friends in the great state of Texas will love chillin with your chilli one also

thanks

Gary

"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"

Four Hollywood action heroes got together to play a game. They each had to pretend to be a famous composer.

Firstly, Bruce Willis said "Well .... I think I'll be Beethoven". Then, Steven Seagal pitches in and says "hmmm .... and I'll be Mozart". Then it was Stallone's turn "OK, I think I will be Vivaldi".

They all turned around to Schwarzenegger, and waited for his response. After a pause, Arnie said....

Are you ready for this ?? ....

"I'LL BE BACH" .....

Quote - Four Hollywood action heroes got together to play a game. They each had to pretend to be a famous composer.

Firstly, Bruce Willis said "Well .... I think I'll be Beethoven". Then, Steven Seagal pitches in and says "hmmm .... and I'll be Mozart". Then it was Stallone's turn "OK, I think I will be Vivaldi".

They all turned around to Schwarzenegger, and waited for his response. After a pause, Arnie said....

Are you ready for this ?? ....

"I'LL BE BACH" .....

groan

:lol:

If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.

I love that one!!!

In England unlike the United States people can take their dog almost any place.

In my home town you can ever take your dog to the movies.

My mother was attending a film a couple of days ago and told me this story.

She was surprise to see a man whose dog seemed to be as interested in the film, as the people in the audience.

The dog looked excited during the action scenes, and unhappy during the sad parts. And when the movie was funny he wagged his tail with enthusiasm.

When the movie got scary the dog put his paws over his eyes.

As they were leaving the theater my mother spoke to the dog’s owner and said.

I was surprised that your dog seems to enjoy the movie as much as the people did.

The man replied, Yes I was very surprised too.

He hated the book!!!

If you shoot a mime, do you need a silencer?

The son of a wealthy Chinese restaurant owner and his fiancee get married.

She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting -juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls.... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....'You want.....garlic chicken wif snow peas?'

PoserPro 2014, Windows 7, AMD FX-6300 6 core, 8 GB ram, Nvidia GeForce GTX 750 Ti

LOL...good one beos53

“The fact that no one understands you…Doesn’t make you an artist.”

One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. "(Think NVIATWAS without the sword)"

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course?"

Gary

"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"

Quote - One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. "(Think NVIATWAS without the sword)"

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course?"

Bwaaahahahahaaaaa!!!!! :lol:

If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.

:lol::lol::lol:

_____________________
.::That which does not kill us makes us stronger::.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

Warning this joke is sexist....but a good play on your mind...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please please see the next post

Gary

"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!!!!

Moral of the story: Women are not really smart, they just think they are.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! :laugh:

Gary

"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"

Guy comes home to find his wife jumping up and down on the bed like a kid.

He asks why and she tells him "My doctor says I have the breasts of a 16 year old".

He replies, "What about your 60 year old asshole?"

She says "We didn't mention you at all".

Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.

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Saw it on a bumper sticker:

Deja Moo

I've heard your bullsh*t before...

Sorry, it' all I have

If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.

Quote - Saw it on a bumper sticker:

Deja Moo

I've heard your bullsh*t before...

Sorry, it' all I have

:lol:

Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.

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3 old men were sitting around complaining about getting old and the problems that come with it.

The first sighs and says "I remember the days when I didn't need a catheter to pee"

The second one says "yeah, I remember when I didn't need a nurse and an enema to take a crap too."

The third one leans forward and says "Every morning at 6AM, I take a nice long piss, followed at 6:10 with a healthy dump."

The others look at him incredulously. "And what are you complaining about?" They ask.

"Well," he says leaning back. "I don't wake up until 7..."

the following was slipped into a University Website but since removed (BOOO!)

Google has is cached tho..

the latest member of staff ...

http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?sclient=psy-ab&hl=ga&client=firefox-a&hs=6s8&rls=org.mozilla%3Aga-IE%3Aofficial&source=hp&q=cache%3Awww.tcd.ie%2FEnglish%2Fstaff%2Facademic-staff%2Fconan%2520the%2520barbarian.php&btnG=Cuardaigh

:lol:

STOP PALESTINIAN CHILD ABUSE!!!! ISLAMIC HATRED OF JEWS

From the late, great Dave Allen...

A man drives into a little irish town and is halted by the oddest funeral procession. It moves so slowly he parks up and gets out of his car.

A hearse drives by at slow walking pace, and behind it walks a large craggy granite faced man, with an enormous irish wolfhound at his side. Behind this giant of a man the procession stretches as far as the eye can see.

Intrigued the man falls in step beside the chief mourner.

'Who's funeral is it?'

'The wifes' comes the gruff reply.

'Oh I'm sorry, you must have loved her very much?'

'No I hated the old bat'

'But there are so many people here, someone must have loved her?'

'No the whole town, hated her - she was dispicable.'

'But, the dog, then the dog must have loved her?'

'The dog hated her, he killed her - tore her throat right out!'

'Ah, tell me, would you sell me the dog?'

The giant man jerked his thumb backwards.

'Just get to the end of the queue.'

regards
prixat

prixat thats a keeper :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

thanks for sharing

Gary

"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"

**The book "Understanding Women" has finally arrived in book stores:**

PoserPro 2014, Windows 7, AMD FX-6300 6 core, 8 GB ram, Nvidia GeForce GTX 750 Ti

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

PoserPro 2014, Windows 7, AMD FX-6300 6 core, 8 GB ram, Nvidia GeForce GTX 750 Ti

A canadian lad decides that he must spend a year up north in the woods logging in order to save enough money to marry his sweetheart. His fiance reluctantly agrees, making him promise to call her every Sunday. The first call goes like this:

Rupert: Well, it's pretty cold and hard work here, eh.

Fiance: Are you staying warm and healthy, my love?

Rupert: Well, actually, I had a little accident and one of my fingers was cut off in the saw.

Fiance: That's terrible - the whole finger?

Rupert: No, the one next to it.

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Good one

8 )

“The fact that no one understands you…Doesn’t make you an artist.”

:lol:

Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.

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An american arrived early in Tokyo for a meeting with an important client. Having a night free, he hired a Geisha. After much saki, they retired to his bed where he made full, albeit drunken, use of her services. During this bout, the Geisha exclaimed again and again "ichi-ka", "ichi-ka", which the man (who spoke no Japanese) assumed must mean "wonderful" or "fantastic" in honor of his great performance.

The next day his customer invited this man to meet him at a golf club. As luck would have it, the customer scored a hole in one on the par three second hole.

Realizing that he must congratulate his host, and feeling that it would have more impact in his native language, the American (remembering the screams of his consort from the evening before), clapped his host on the back and exclaimed "Ichi-ka!' in a loud voice.

The customer's face went from a beaming smile of joy to the most crestfallen look of dismay as he said "what you mean ... wrong hole"?

Lotus 123 ~ S-Render ~ OS/2 WARP ~ IBM 8088 / 4.77 Mhz ~ Hercules Ultima graphics, Hitachi 10 MB HDD, 64K RAM, 12 in diagonal CRT Monitor (16 colors / 60 Hz refresh rate), 240 Watt PS, Dual 1.44 MB Floppies, 2 button mouse input device. Beige horizontal case. I don't display my unit.

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid"

That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign." ...

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truckin our driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A coupleof months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "all right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good...They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was drivingaround and those other three just swelled right up on me.
Here's your sign."

We were trying to sellour car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!" See?
If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drivean 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning. No problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign... until he says "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig, then back to him and said, "No I'm delivering a bridge ...Here's your sign!"

You will appreciate the following story if you are Italian:

Uans appona taim uas tri berrese; mamma berre, pappa berre, e beibi berre. Live inna contri nire foresta. Naise aus, no mugheggia. Uanna dei pappa, mamma, e beibi go bice, orie e furghetta locche di dorra.

Bai enne bai commese Goldilocchese. Sci garra nattingha tu du batte meiche troble. Sci puscia olle fudde daon di maute; no live cromme. Den sci gos appesterrese enne slipse in olle beddse. Bai enne bai commese omme di tri berrese, olle sannebronne enne send inne scius. Dei garra no fudde; dei garra no beddse. En uara dei goine du tu Goldilocchese? Tro erre aute inne strit? Colle pulissemenn?

Deis uas Italien berrese, enne dei slippe onne florre. Goldilocchese stei derre tri deise: dei esch erre tu meiche di beddse, sci runne omme craine tu erre mamma. Uatssiuse? Uara iu goine du? Go compleine sittiole?

Just lower the air pressure in the tires until the truck becomes unstuck. ...Here's your sign!

STOP PALESTINIAN CHILD ABUSE!!!! ISLAMIC HATRED OF JEWS

Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it.

She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning.

Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

"Honey," he said. "You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked Martha.

"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.

:lol:

Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.

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Sorry Mathman, but I think I wanna barf!!!

dph

STOP PALESTINIAN CHILD ABUSE!!!! ISLAMIC HATRED OF JEWS

ROFLMAO!

Gary

"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"

The DPH comments are just as funny as the jokes!

MY ONLINE COMIC IS NOW LIVE

I aim to update it about once a month. Oh, and it's free!

Quote - You will appreciate the following story if you are Italian:

Uans appona taim uas tri berrese; mamma berre, pappa berre, e beibi berre. Live inna contri nire foresta. Naise aus, no mugheggia. Uanna dei pappa, mamma, e beibi go bice, orie e furghetta locche di dorra.

Bai enne bai commese Goldilocchese. Sci garra nattingha tu du batte meiche troble. Sci puscia olle fudde daon di maute; no live cromme. Den sci gos appesterrese enne slipse in olle beddse. Bai enne bai commese omme di tri berrese, olle sannebronne enne send inne scius. Dei garra no fudde; dei garra no beddse. En uara dei goine du tu Goldilocchese? Tro erre aute inne strit? Colle pulissemenn?

Deis uas Italien berrese, enne dei slippe onne florre. Goldilocchese stei derre tri deise: dei esch erre tu meiche di beddse, sci runne omme craine tu erre mamma. Uatssiuse? Uara iu goine du? Go compleine sittiole?

How about some Latin:

Mathman ad sum jam forte

Baggins ad erat

Mathman sic in omnibus

Baggins sic in at.

Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.

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A women visits her doctor and asks : Doctor, I have such small breasts, can you help me?

The doctor examens her and says: Take a piece of toiletpaper and rub that between your breasts at least twice a day.

The women is bazzled and answers: How on earth could that work?

The doctor replies: Well, it worked on your ass, didn't it!

-How can you improve things when you don't make mistakes?

The french spinster had finally succeeded in getting a dashing young fighter pilot drunk enough to join her in her boudoir. They both undressed quickly, and he knelt over her prone form, but she shook her head and pressed his head down toward her belly.

Understanding her request, he asked if she had some cognac and a match. The spinster realized that he wanted a drink and smoke before consummating the act, and so she motioned toward the bureau where a bottle of cognac, glasses and a pack of cigarettes lay.

The pilot filled a glass and approached the spinster, who shivered in anticipation. As he stood over her, she was astonished when he tossed the liquor onto her nether region, struck a match, and ignited the flammable liquid.

As she stared at him in horror, he exclaimed "When Jacques goes down, he goes down in flames!"

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Man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more.. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday..... He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his widow.'

Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.

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Sorry to brust a few peoples bubbles... Gawd I hate it when a joke reflects back on me! :blink:

Ten ways to know that you're addicted to your computer:-

When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL.
You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your spouse.
Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family.
Your computer is your ONLY friend.
You think cyber sex is better than real sex.
You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO I'LL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL).
You type 40 words a minute with two fingers.
Your twins are named RAM & ROM.
After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 3.1 is outdated.
YOU READ CRAP LIKE THIS!

Gary

"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"

Quote - You will appreciate the following story if you are Italian:

Uans appona taim uas tri berrese; mamma berre, pappa berre, e beibi berre. Live inna contri nire foresta. Naise aus, no mugheggia. Uanna dei pappa, mamma, e beibi go bice, orie e furghetta locche di dorra.

Bai enne bai commese Goldilocchese. Sci garra nattingha tu du batte meiche troble. Sci puscia olle fudde daon di maute; no live cromme. Den sci gos appesterrese enne slipse in olle beddse. Bai enne bai commese omme di tri berrese, olle sannebronne enne send inne scius. Dei garra no fudde; dei garra no beddse. En uara dei goine du tu Goldilocchese? Tro erre aute inne strit? Colle pulissemenn?

Deis uas Italien berrese, enne dei slippe onne florre. Goldilocchese stei derre tri deise: dei esch erre tu meiche di beddse, sci runne omme craine tu erre mamma. Uatssiuse? Uara iu goine du? Go compleine sittiole?

I had to read it over a couple times.... Italian Goldilocks and the 3 bears... hehehe

If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.**
** **
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more that a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
** **
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
** **
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
** **
The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'if either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'**

If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.

After every flight, commercial airline pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that some ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor; here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas has the best safety record of any commercial airline.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.

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Quote - **

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'if either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'**

ROFLMA or as my joke above says, I just screamed out LOL

Gary

"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"

Two old people meet up at a retirement home and, realising that time isn't on their side any more they skip all the niceties of dating and decide to go straight for some mattress action.

They go up to her room and, while getting undressed she says to the guy, "I hope you'll be gentle because I have acute angina".

He says, "I damn well hope so because your tits aren't much good".

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Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you. Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTF: Where’s The Funeral
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI: Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In

Gary

"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"

Life explained:

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

Gary

"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"

An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks." "What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked. "Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."

Why do men like to keep a pet dog around?

So they can have someone to blame the farts on.

Quote - The book "Understanding Women"
has finally arrived in book stores:

"...Understanding Women"

I see you have the condensed version.

A woman comes home and tells her husband "my doctor says I can't have sex with you for two weeks."

The man looks at her and asks "What did your dentist say? Just because the roller coaster is broken doesn't mean you shut down the whole theme park."

If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.

Log ride's still open right?

8 )

“The fact that no one understands you…Doesn’t make you an artist.”

If sugar makes you hyper and caffeine makes you nervous, why do we let cops hang out at donut shops?

My mother has never seen the irony of calling me a son of a b*tch...

I used up all my sick days, so I just called in dead.

If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.

A pirate walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Do you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your zipper?"

The pirate looks at him and replies: "Aye matey, it's drivin' me nuts."

Gary

"Those who lose themselves in a passion lose less than those who lose their passion"

:)

Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.

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Good one. I guess I am a typical male. never saw the dog until I read the caption... hehehe...

If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.

SamTherapy, that is so funny. Extra funny for me as a dog lover.

Forum: Poser - OFFICIAL

Subject: OT - Joke du jour