RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
   intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

Once in a while I look around,
I see a sound
and try to write it down
Sometimes they come out very soft
Tinkling light sound
The Sun comes up again

 

 

 

 

 

:laugh:

Kristi

Community Relations Specialist

This is your life - your platform - your stage - your story  

15 is priceless!

Hehehehe
Guess he didn't have to come along, anymore. ;-D

 

Corrie

Thanx! Need the relief :-)

Quote - Hehehehe
Guess he didn't have to come along, anymore. ;-D

 

Corrie

 

And I'm guessing she had to change Target stores as well, hee hee hee

 

Once in a while I look around,
I see a sound
and try to write it down
Sometimes they come out very soft
Tinkling light sound
The Sun comes up again

 

 

 

 

 

LOL... so true!

Thanks for sharing! :)

Hubert

"All that we see or fear, is but a Sphere inside a Sphere."     (E. A. Pryce -- Tuesday afternoon, 1845)

Happens all the time in Wallmart I hear. :lol:

Thanks for posting, Bobby!

Available on Amazon for the Kindle E-Reader

All the Woes of a World by Jonathan Icknield aka The Bryster

And in my final hours - I would cling rather to the tattooed hand of kindness - than the unblemished hand of hate...

I thought ot was doubly cool as the last entry # 15, is on my birthday...

 

Once in a while I look around,
I see a sound
and try to write it down
Sometimes they come out very soft
Tinkling light sound
The Sun comes up again

 

 

 

 

 

Number 15 happens in my house all the time.. 

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am only familiar with number one and number two Tom.  What hole does number fifteen come out of?

Free men do not ask permission to bear arms!!

Ha.. ha.. Dan!.....  #15  asking for toilet paper....    or are you wiping with catus leaves..

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't wipe with cactus leaves.  You must have me confused with Chuck Norris.

Free men do not ask permission to bear arms!!