SamTherapy opened this issue on Nov 22, 2016 · 76 posts
SamTherapy posted Tue, 22 November 2016 at 12:26 PM
hborre posted Tue, 22 November 2016 at 12:58 PM
Boni posted Tue, 22 November 2016 at 2:51 PM
Ba Dum Bum!
Boni
"Be Hero to Yourself" -- Peter Tork
SamTherapy posted Tue, 22 November 2016 at 4:01 PM
Ok, it's not great but it made me chuckle.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
ThunderStone posted Tue, 22 November 2016 at 4:26 PM
===========================================================
OS: Windows 11 64-bit
Poser: Poser 11.3 ...... Units: inches or meters depends on mood
Bryce: Bryce Pro 7.1.074
Image Editing: Corel Paintshop Pro
Renderer: Superfly, Firefly
9/11/2001: Never forget...
Smiles are contagious... Pass it on!
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
Kazam561 posted Tue, 22 November 2016 at 6:15 PM
Thanks, I needed the laugh. Hope this thread keeps going with some jokes.
The dust settled, thinking "what a fine home, at least for now" not realizing that doom would soon be coming in the form of a vacuum cleaner.
Kendra posted Tue, 22 November 2016 at 6:49 PM
...... Kendra
rokket posted Tue, 22 November 2016 at 8:34 PM
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
rokket posted Tue, 22 November 2016 at 8:35 PM
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
rokket posted Tue, 22 November 2016 at 8:35 PM
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
LaurieA posted Tue, 22 November 2016 at 8:39 PM
rimshot
infinity10 posted Tue, 22 November 2016 at 10:19 PM
Hahahahaha !! All the jokes here...
Eternal Hobbyist
rokket posted Wed, 23 November 2016 at 12:10 AM
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
rokket posted Wed, 23 November 2016 at 12:11 AM
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
rokket posted Wed, 23 November 2016 at 12:13 AM
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
rokket posted Wed, 23 November 2016 at 12:14 AM
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
rokket posted Wed, 23 November 2016 at 12:16 AM
Okay, that's enough. My sides are starting to hurt...
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
SamTherapy posted Wed, 23 November 2016 at 2:48 AM
I was told when I was a lad
If I stared at the moon I'd go mad
So I stared for a night
And I'm still all right
So groobly squiddly flad.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
ypvs posted Wed, 23 November 2016 at 7:25 AM
When I got home last night all the windows were open and everything had gone!!!
Some ######## had eaten all the chocolate in my advent calendar!
A little early I know
Poser 11 , 180Gb in 8 Runtimes, PaintShop Pro 9
Windows 7 64 bit, Avast AV, Comodo Firewall
Intel Q9550 Quad Core cpu, 16Gb RAM, 250Gb + 250Gb +160Gb HD, GeForce GTX 1060
A_Sunbeam posted Wed, 23 November 2016 at 8:51 AM
If it be true, as I do think,
Not all are drunk of those who drink;
'Tis also true, just think of it,
That those who smell aren't all just manure.
SamTherapy posted Wed, 23 November 2016 at 9:53 AM
Here's one that only makes sense in a Scottish accent...
What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?
Bing sings and Walt disnae.
I'll get me coat.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
SamTherapy posted Wed, 23 November 2016 at 9:55 AM
My wife said, "You remind me of the sea".
I replied, "You mean, wild, untamed and romantic?"
"No", she said, "You make me sick".
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
Miss B posted Wed, 23 November 2016 at 11:36 AM
Thanks folks. I needed a few good chuckles.
_______________
OK . . . Where's my chocolate?
SamTherapy posted Wed, 23 November 2016 at 12:08 PM
A dyslexic friend went to a toga party dressed as a goat. He decided to make a career as a pimp so he bought a warehouse. That didn't work out so well, so he decided to make an unholy bargain and sold his soul to Santa. Later he realized the error of his ways and found Dog.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
SamTherapy posted Wed, 23 November 2016 at 12:09 PM
What do you call a bear without an ear? B.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
rokket posted Wed, 23 November 2016 at 3:17 PM
SamTherapy posted at 1:17PM Wed, 23 November 2016 - #4290705
What do you call a bear without an ear? B.
Now you can get your coat...
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
ypvs posted Wed, 23 November 2016 at 6:37 PM
A friend told me she liked the Monkees. I wasn't sure. Then I saw her face and now I believe her
Poser 11 , 180Gb in 8 Runtimes, PaintShop Pro 9
Windows 7 64 bit, Avast AV, Comodo Firewall
Intel Q9550 Quad Core cpu, 16Gb RAM, 250Gb + 250Gb +160Gb HD, GeForce GTX 1060
rokket posted Wed, 23 November 2016 at 7:44 PM
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
rokket posted Wed, 23 November 2016 at 7:51 PM
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
ypvs posted Thu, 24 November 2016 at 4:22 AM
I was going to be an archaeologist but I realised my career would be in ruins
Poser 11 , 180Gb in 8 Runtimes, PaintShop Pro 9
Windows 7 64 bit, Avast AV, Comodo Firewall
Intel Q9550 Quad Core cpu, 16Gb RAM, 250Gb + 250Gb +160Gb HD, GeForce GTX 1060
ypvs posted Thu, 24 November 2016 at 4:24 AM
I was called in by my manager to talk about my bad attitude to work. He asked if it was ignorance or apathy. I said I didn't know and didn't care
Poser 11 , 180Gb in 8 Runtimes, PaintShop Pro 9
Windows 7 64 bit, Avast AV, Comodo Firewall
Intel Q9550 Quad Core cpu, 16Gb RAM, 250Gb + 250Gb +160Gb HD, GeForce GTX 1060
A_Sunbeam posted Thu, 24 November 2016 at 6:38 AM
I love a warming curry -
But watch the hot Madras;
It makes your ears and nose go red
And it don't half burn your bum.
SamTherapy posted Thu, 24 November 2016 at 7:17 AM
One for the Brits:
Came in from mowing the grass and found my wife unconscious at the foot of the stairs. When she came round, she asked if I'd heard the noise.
"Yup, I heard", I replied.
"Why didn't you come in to see if I was OK?" she asked me.
"Well", I said, "I thought you were watching Eastenders".
Guy checking in to a motel says to the receptionist, "I'm a born again Christian, so I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled".
The receptionist gives him a sharp look and says, "No, you weirdo, it's just normal porn".
Two cannibals eating a clown. One stops and asks the other, "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
ypvs posted Thu, 24 November 2016 at 7:33 AM
One cannibal says to the other 'I've gone off my wife' The other replies 'Well, push her to the side of your plate and eat the rest'
Do vegetarian cannibals only eat Swedes????
Poser 11 , 180Gb in 8 Runtimes, PaintShop Pro 9
Windows 7 64 bit, Avast AV, Comodo Firewall
Intel Q9550 Quad Core cpu, 16Gb RAM, 250Gb + 250Gb +160Gb HD, GeForce GTX 1060
Tracybee posted Thu, 24 November 2016 at 9:56 PM
We were going to a Cabaret and the wife wanted to be in something long and flowing. So I threw her in the river.
LaurieA posted Fri, 25 November 2016 at 7:55 PM
The inventor of the throat lozenge died. There will be no "coughin'" at the funeral.
rimshot
Yeah, I know it's awful. LOL
A_Sunbeam posted Sun, 27 November 2016 at 4:40 AM
Changing one letter at a time (called Word Ladder or Doublets) for Blazing Saddles ...
BEANS
BEADS
BENDS
BANDS
WANDS
WARDS
WARTS
FARTS.
A_Sunbeam posted Sun, 27 November 2016 at 4:41 AM
Why should I want an electric omelette maker?
I don't eat electric omelettes.
rokket posted Sun, 27 November 2016 at 5:12 AM
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.
What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.
I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.
And... how was your week?
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
SamTherapy posted Sun, 27 November 2016 at 7:38 AM
We had a caller asking for a donation to the old people's home. I gave them my grandma.
last week, I was beaten up by a six foot beetle. When I went to see my doctor about it, he told me there was a nasty bug going around.
I'm allergic to violence. It makes me break out in cuts and bruises.
A woman from Rotherham had a pair of her knickers stolen from the clothes line. She's not too bothered about those but she'd like the 24 pegs back.
How can you tell when a Barnsley woman has an orgasm? She drops her doner kebab.
Scientists have discovered a food which puts women off sex. It's called Wedding Cake.
My friend opened a magic bottle with a genie trapped inside. The genie granted him a wish, so he asked that his penis would trail along the floor. Suddenly, his legs fell off.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
rokket posted Sun, 27 November 2016 at 4:49 PM
Mary had a little lamb, who's fleece was white as snow
But one day she decided the lamb had to go
The price of meat was rising high
Mary said this didn't please her
So tonight she dines on leg of lamb
The rest is in the freezer.
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
-Timberwolf- posted Sun, 27 November 2016 at 4:59 PM
-How do you call a boomerang, that doesn't come back? -A stick."
SamTherapy posted Mon, 28 November 2016 at 2:45 AM
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff.
What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath.
What's pink, wrinkly and hangs out your pants? Your mom.
What's pink and hard in the morning? Financial Times crossword.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
DarrenUK posted Tue, 29 November 2016 at 7:07 AM
The Australian for "Return" is, "Boo" because when you throw an ordinary meringue...
Daz Studio 4.8 and 4.9beta, Blender 2.78, Sketchup, Poser Pro 2014 Game Dev SR5 on Windows 8 Pro x64. Poser Display Units are inches
SamTherapy posted Tue, 29 November 2016 at 2:56 PM
My wife said to me the other day, "Sam" - because she knows me - "Sam, you have the body of a god. Pity it's Buddha."
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
SamTherapy posted Tue, 29 November 2016 at 3:04 PM
More Brit stuff...
You know you're from Barnsley when:
At least 50% of your relatives used to work downt pit.
Snap is something you eat.
You know that a bag of spice is something kids eat.
Summat to Eight is a meal, not the time of day.
You get on a bus marked "Jump Circular" without a second thought.
You have one word that means Hello, How are you, Whats this, Hang on a minute and bloody hell! (Ayup..)
You know that "Oo wa shi wi", "She wa wi ersen", O wa Shee Naa" "aaah shi wa" isn't Chinese.
Pop is a drink, not your granddad.
You have more fishing rods than teeth.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
rokket posted Tue, 29 November 2016 at 5:51 PM
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
Miss B posted Tue, 29 November 2016 at 7:08 PM
rokket posted at 8:07PM Tue, 29 November 2016 - #4291413
_______________
OK . . . Where's my chocolate?
rokket posted Tue, 29 November 2016 at 7:47 PM
We are convinced my son is psychic.
One night we were putting him to bed, and he began to say his prayers: "God bless mommy, and daddy, and grandma. Good bye grandpa."
The next day, my father died. We were all in a panic. Sure enough, a week later he was saying his prayers again: "God bless mommy and daddy. Good bye grandma."
You guessed it. My mother died the next day. Now we were really freaking out. Sure enough, a few days later: "God bless mommy. Good bye daddy."
I spent the whole next day worried about when I was going to pass. I went to work as usual, but I couldn't concentrate so I came home. I found my wife on the front steps crying her eyes out.
I asked her "dear, I'm not dead yet. Why are you crying like that?"
She said "You don't understand! The mail man was coming up the steps to deliver the mail, and he died right there at the top!"
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
SamTherapy posted Wed, 30 November 2016 at 12:10 PM
"Mommy, do ladies take to pieces like model cars?"
"No, dear. Why do you ask?"
"I just heard Daddy tell Mr Perkins he screwed the ass off Auntie Denise last week".
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
Miss B posted Wed, 30 November 2016 at 1:45 PM
rokket posted Wed, 30 November 2016 at 3:07 PM
Mom and dad were going at hot and heavy. Mom was on top of dad when junior interrupted them, wanting to know what was going on. Thinking quickly, mommy told him "daddy has a big tummy, I am just trying to push it back down."
The boy gave her a dismissive gesture and walked away from the room. "Don't bother, mom," he said. "The lady next door will just blow it up again tomorrow."
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
rokket posted Wed, 30 November 2016 at 4:35 PM
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic.
If someone hits you over the head with a coffee cup, have you been mugged?
Wanna hear a joke about a pizza? Oh never mind it's too cheesy [That's the problem pizza jokes - it's all in the delivery].
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
rokket posted Wed, 30 November 2016 at 6:10 PM
Doctor: I've got bad news and I have worse news.
Patient: Oh, my! Well, give me the bad news first...
Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live.
Patient: Oh my God! What news could possibly be worse than that?
Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
rokket posted Wed, 30 November 2016 at 6:11 PM
Patient: Doc, how long do I have to live?
Doctor: Five.
Patient: Five what?
Doctor: Four..... Three....
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
SamTherapy posted Thu, 01 December 2016 at 11:53 AM
How can you tell when there's a singer at your door?
He can't find the key and comes in at the wrong time.
How do you get rid of the guitarist at your door?
Pay for the pizza.
Did you hear about the bass player who locked the keys in the van?
It took him two hours to get the drummer out.
What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
What do you say to a drummer with two black eyes?
Nothing. You told him twice.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
A_Sunbeam posted Thu, 01 December 2016 at 2:15 PM
Vladimir Putin’s name is not pronounced “pyoo-tin”.
We know this because putin is also the Russian for a metal gazunda, and it is pronounced, as might be inferred from the use to which a gazunda is put, as “poo-tin”.
Our gazundas are of higher quality, being made of china, and sometimes are decorated inside with witty sayings. That's democracy for you.
SamTherapy posted Thu, 01 December 2016 at 2:37 PM
The difference between capitalism and communism...
In capitalism, man exploits man. In communism, it's the other way round.
How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
JUST ONE!!! AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!
What does a dog do that people step in?
Pants.
What ends in -it and is found at the bottom of a bird cage?
Grit.
What does a dog do on 3 legs, a man does standing and a woman does sitting?
Shake hands.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
SamTherapy posted Thu, 01 December 2016 at 2:45 PM
Guitarist terminology for the beginner:
Volume control: A device which regulates the output of a guitar, and which must always be set on 10.
Vibrato arm: A system for varying the pitch of the strings during playing, and which returns the strings to almost the correct pitch after use.
Take six: "Colin, you STUPID bastard!"
Drum solo: Cigarette and pee break.
Keyboardist: Insufferable control freak and paranoic bastard.
Bass Player: Our slightly simple brother in strings.
Drummer: Cognitively challenged bringer of scrap metal.
Drum Machine: More intelligent than drummer, since you only have to punch the information in once.
Other guitarist: Nowhere near as good as me.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
rokket posted Fri, 02 December 2016 at 10:40 PM
Better a sister in a whore house than a brother in a band, eh Sam?
Coming from a guitar/bass/drummer/keyboardist/singer....
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
SamTherapy posted Sat, 03 December 2016 at 5:27 AM
My avatar tells you all you need to know about me. I know what a bunch of flakes we are. :)
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
rokket posted Sat, 03 December 2016 at 5:33 AM
My old avatar on here was me holding a right handed strat copy I restrung lefty. I looked like a photo negative of Jimi. Coincidentally, I share a birthday with him and Bruce Lee...
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
SamTherapy posted Sat, 03 December 2016 at 5:45 AM
Cool. There are worse people to share your birthday with and I should know. April 20.
Buddy of mine brought his lefty Strat copy here a few days ago for me to give the once over. Just needed a squirt of contact cleaner and new strings. Had a little fun playing it, me being strongly right handed.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
rokket posted Sat, 03 December 2016 at 5:53 AM
I always make people do a double take when I hold a right handed guitar because I can play it upside down with no problems. I started out that way with my right handed step father's guitars....
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
SamTherapy posted Sat, 03 December 2016 at 3:11 PM
Back to the topic, and seasonal...
Render making by an open fire
Load another scene and pose
Turn the dial make the sizes go higher
On good old Vicky without clothes.
Everybody knows
A temple and a great big sword
Always makes the picture right
Giant boobies, floating feet and cross eyes
And a thousand badly placed spotlights.
And in the gallery today
We'll see some oversize mammaries on display
And every Poser fan will criticize
Saying, "They really should be much bigger sized".
So I'm rendering another one
With norks so big it can't be true
And though it's been done many times, many days
We love Vicky, we love Vicky, nekkid Vicky, we do.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
SamTherapy posted Sat, 03 December 2016 at 4:16 PM
I'm on a roll. This one is to the tune of "Rudolph"...
Aly the Poser 9 girl had a face like broken bricks
And if you ever saw it, it would likely make you sick
All of the Poser people used to laugh and make her sad
They said she was so ugly, she could make fresh milk go bad.
Then one day somebody said, "This will make your day...
Aly with your face so shite, Blackhearted will make you right!"
Now she's a happy dolly, looking every inch a babe
Great legs and lovely boobies, buns and face all thanks to Gabe!
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
SamTherapy posted Mon, 05 December 2016 at 11:48 AM
No love for my Christmas songs? Boo hoo. :(
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
estherau posted Sat, 10 December 2016 at 1:04 AM
Hehe, great song! Love esther
I aim to update it about once a month. Oh, and it's free!
rokket posted Sat, 10 December 2016 at 12:44 PM
SamTherapy posted at 10:44AM Sat, 10 December 2016 - #4291938
No love for my Christmas songs? Boo hoo. :(
You should record them and post the mp3's.... :D
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
SamTherapy posted Sat, 10 December 2016 at 1:01 PM
I think Bob Rivers has the market cornered there.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
rokket posted Sat, 10 December 2016 at 1:13 PM
I'm dressing up like Santa when I get out on parole!!!! Hahahaha!!!!
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
SamTherapy posted Sat, 10 December 2016 at 1:21 PM
Here, however, is another...
I'm not a merry gentleman I'm getting quite dismayed
I really hope this render will be finishing today
Been watching now for sixteen hours and has it done? No way!
Oh sad tidings, I'm not a happy boy, happy boy
You could say I'm not a very happy boy.
The kids think dad's a loony and the wife says I'm a creep
Don't know the last time I had food, the last time I had sleep
The bucket size is tiny now, it makes me want to weep
Oh sad tidings, I'm not a happy boy, happy boy
You could say that I'm a very hacked off boy
I need to get a new machine with tons of memory
And petabytes of hard disk space sounds pretty good to me
Then I can render everything and still have time for tea
And I'll be an extremely happy boy, happy boy
I will be an absolutely happy boy.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
rokket posted Sat, 10 December 2016 at 1:28 PM
We need a like button....
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
RedPhantom posted Sat, 10 December 2016 at 2:26 PM Site Admin
Love these songs. You should write for SM.
Available on Amazon for the Kindle E-Reader Monster of the North and The Shimmering Mage
Today I break my own personal record for the number of days for being alive.
Check out my store here or my free stuff here
I use Poser 13 and win 10
SamTherapy posted Sat, 10 December 2016 at 2:49 PM
I'll write S&M if they pay me enough. 
Anyhow, thank you. Feel free to pass them around if you so desire.
BTW, I'm a songwritist and guitarer so I'm right great with words, me. As you can tell.
Coppula eam se non posit acceptera jocularum.
rokket posted Sat, 10 December 2016 at 3:14 PM
Ah doesn't haves a college edumacation, but ah kin reat. Mostly.
If I had a nickle for ever time a woman told me to get lost, I could buy Manhattan.
