Types of Patients I decided to do this short, but comprehensive list of types of patients in order to help doctors and nurses here on Renderosity (this means, you, Karen, too) better understand what they are dealing with and how to deal with it. So, here it is: TYPE 1: Normal Patient - alas, a species on the verge of extinction. Basically, it is a person who does their regular check-ups, cures a simple cold with aspirin and hot teas and goes to the doctor when he/she feels ill. Case study: " I came to you, doctor, because I can't get rid of this cough. I thought at first it was a simple cold, but now I see it might be more serious. I had my check-up three months ago and the results came fine. Here they are." Advantages: Makes life nice and simple for the doctor. Disadvantages: No important medical discovery was made by doctors treating normal patients. How to deal with them: The doctor just needs to do his job, the patient will be healthy and the doctor will have an impeccable reputation. TYPE 2: The Specialist - already knows what he suffers from. He/she carefully analysed their symptomps, read about 4-5 medical yearbooks and agendas, fixed on a diagnosis and now comes to the doctor for the prescription. Case study: "I've been feeling this ache at the back of my head and I feel small pops in my ears so it must be high blood pressure. I need a prescription for that new drug they talked about on TV the other night." Advantages: Patient will describe his symptoms with the greatest accuracy. Disadvantages: He/she will also stick firmly to their own diagnosis. How to deal with them: Doctor needs to be highly learned in the great Greek and Roman orators. Only in this way will he/she be able to impress his/her point of view on the patient. TYPE 3: The Experimenter - A subtle, but definite variety of type 2. This patient isn't fixed upon one diagnosis, he/she reads about his symptomps in different medical books and tries all the medicines suggested there. Comes to the doctor when none of his experiments succeeded in curing him/her. Case study: "I've been having nausea so at first I thought I was pregnant, but the test was negative, so I thought it must be anaemia, so I took X, Y and Z drugs, but I still feel this nausea, so then I thought it must be stress and I took a vacation, I tried yoga and vitamins, but nothing works. So, maybe I need the new cure for depression, but it is given only on prescription. Do you think I need this?" Advantages: Is somewhat open to doctor's suggestions. Disadvantages: ... After the doctor managed to make the patient give up his ideas about what cure is best. How to deal with them: The doctor must be well read in Freud, Jung and the propaganda writers. Only a good combination of psychoanalysis and exaggerated praise will persuade the patient into mollification. TYPE 4: The Hero of the Resistance: bravely endures pain and tries all the painkillers. Arrives at the doctor when he can't take the pain anymore and pharmacists won't give him any more painkillers withour prescription. Case study: "I've been having this damned headache for some weeks. I tried the painkiller, the best one, and it worked at first, but then I had to take two pills at a time to make it stop, then I couldn't sleep because of the headache, at work I was no good, so I took some sleeping pills, too, but they don't work either now." Advantages: Presents doctor with a real challenge. Disadvantages: In many cases it is too late for the doctor to do anything. How to deal with them: CAT Scan, all the blood tests you can get and some prayers. TYPE 5: Fashion Sick: Usually comes to the hospital for a refill of the contraceptive or vitamins prescription. Comes in in her best clothes, with an extravagant hair-do and wearing face powder just a few tones lighter than her skin, to give her that fashionable pale and sickly aspect. Case study: "I was invited at the cocktail given by the Joneses, you know, he is that great producer on the Broadway and she is one of the best divorce lawyers, so, and I felt just a lil bit dizzy. I only had a Martini and some wine. Could it be serious, like anaemia?" Advantages: The doctor can be at peace there is nothing serious. Disadvantages: Must invent some exotic name for a non-existant disease and prescribe rest and quiet for at least two weeks. How to deal with them: After she has closed the door, the nurse should say to the doctor loud enough to be overheard: "I thought "heroin chic" has been out of fashion for some years." TYPE 6: Scaredy-scared: goes to the doctor after three or four sneezes. Rushes the baby to the ER in a frenzy - and feels it hard to accept the baby is screaming and having swollen gums because it's teething. More willing to accept he/she's dying rather than he's gonna be OK. Case study: "You know, doc, I knew it was something wrong right after Christmas, we had a traditional Russian dinner with seven courses and vodka, of course, and then I had this horrible headache and stomachache, couldn't stand up, or eat. Could it... could it be cancer?" Advantages: Patient looks up at the doctor as if he/she were God. Disadvantages: Expects him/her to perform miracles. How to deal with them: humour is the best way. E.G. "Doctor, tell me the truth, am I going to die?" "Yes, ma'am, eventually, but not today."