"A Glimpse Behind My Mask" So, you think you know me? I beg to differ. You have seen me carefree and laughing in the halls. Did you notice that the smile didn't reach my eyes? Did you know, that if I let you look behind my mask, you'd see me crying? Did you know, if you were to see my true smile, it would dazzle you? Very few see that. You say that I've got it all together. Did you know, that if I let you see the behind the mask, you'd see I'm really falling apart? You say you love my hazel eyes, have you noticed I never let you look directly into them? They are the windows to the soul, I don't want you to see into mine. You call yourself my friend, but have you noticed that you can give no more information about me than what is on my job application? Have you even noticed that I have no friends, just aquaintances? Have you noticed that when you catch me being silent, and ask what I'm thinking, I really give no real answer...just that I've dazing out, or just thinking about nothing.If you were to know the truth, there is some very deep thinking going on and you have interrupted me. You think I'm stuck-up, but if you saw behind the mask, you'd see I'm just scared of being hurt again. You'd see that when I've let people know me, let myself become vulnerable, those are the same people that have hurt me. Have you noticed, when you start to get too close, I push you away? If you really knew me, if I let you see behind my mask you'd see a very different person than what I allow. Did you know, I can tell you first hand what it's like to be verbally, emotionaly, physically and sexually abused? Did you ever know how the rumors hurt? Did you even notice that I quit trying to defend myself, to let the truth be known? It didn't matter anymore. You just verified a conclusion I came to as a child. What I think or feel does not matter. Neither does the truth. Did you even notice me withdrawing into myself? Did you know that under that carefree attitude was a person that was on a path of self-destruction? Did you know the pain I was feeling? Did you see the hoplessness I felt? No, you didn't. I hid it all, and hid it well. Along my path in life, I've found that people prey on your vulnerabilities, prey on your weakness, prey on your goals, even your joys.Use these against you. Those that you trust most, that you'd trust with your life, are sometimes the same ones that commit the ultimate betrayal to you, and use these against you. I don't have many friends, don't allow myself to. Sometimes, the hurt is too deep. Writing is my friend, has been for many years. Writing has helped me cope with pain, vent my anger, live my dreams...all without reprucussion. Or judgement. I hide in the shadows, because it is my security. To be in the open, makes me feel vulnerable. I choose to not let you see behind the mask, because it is my protection. To see behind my mask, is to see me as easily hurt and frail. I don't want any more pain.... **OK, 'experimental' I did it. Probably not quite what ya thought, but truth be told, I was having a panic attack as I was writing this. Panic attack to the side tho...I think I WILL post more... For the rest of you...My writing has always been for myself...my outlet, my eyes only about my life and emotions. To read my writing is to read about my life, so yes, it is personal to me....Yesterday I was "Caught" saving one of experimental's writings to Favs...he IM'd me, I IM'd back and I was told yesterday that I MUST put at least one piece out there. So here it is, my first public post. Do with it as you will, take from it what you will, or just move to next subject. Just know, you've seen but a glimpse behind my mask.--Ginny 1 year ago yesterday...i put up my 1st post...scared as hell...since then I have come out of the shadows and found my sun ....Thank you...decided to repost my 1st...to those who have followed me...THANK YOU! (PS...RR is STILL the only ones to see my writing and thoughts)LOL! ILYFAE--BG