~A Look In My Mind~
by Kalliandra
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Description
Have you ever felt like you were being pulled in a million different directions? Like everyone in the world was expecting something different from you? My mind is so numb from thinking constantly. Every emotion has intensified and then eventually, disappeared. There are times I can't sleep at all and many days when I do nothing but sleep. My dreams are haunted with fears and nightmares... but it seems there's no escape... because I wake to something worse... a mind that can't stop thinking, worrying... a heart that aches from loneliness, even when surrounded by people. And every person I talk to wants me to be something else... my dad wants the perfect daughter... something I'm just not. He wants someone who is stronger than I am... more responsible... I have to be strong for my family in this hard time... but I can't be strong for myself when I'm alone... I still cry often... and a lot of times, I don't know why. I'm so worried about being sweet, caring, compassionate, loving, responsible, smart, the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, perfect aunt... the perfect everything... I'm so concerned with being what everyone else wants me to be... but I don't even know what I want me to be... I don't know who I am... I know who I was... I remember a time in my life when sadness and tears were rare... I smiled constantly and found joy, hope and love in the smallest gestures. But my mind and heart have been tainted... jaded. I'm so afraid of life. I'm afraid of my future because of what's happened in my past. I'm terrified of lies and deceits... afraid that even the people I trust most will betray me. So many times people have said "You're important to me"... and they left... and the end of that sentence was found. "You're important to me, but not important enough." People have loved me. There are some that still do. But I'm afraid to believe in forever because forever has already ended for me several times. Like when my mom said she would be here for me forever... because I was important... but when she left almost half a year ago... she showed me how soon "forever" can end, because I might have been important, but I was not important enough. I've grown to find constant fault within myself... trying desperately to find and fix what it is in me that has pushed so many people to leave. There are so many things about me that I wish I could tell, but I can't... so many things I wish that I could say to people... things that I will probably never say. For a long time, I knew I wasn't perfect, but I accepted that. I also accepted that I was a good person, even if I wasn't perfect. Somewhere between then and now, I lost that. When I look in the mirror, I don't see a good person. I'm not sure what I see anymore. And I don't know exactly when I lost the ability to see good in myself... only that I did. I don't understand why I have to feel this way... why I have to worry and be constantly afraid of losing someone I love or not being enough... but I'm beginning to believe that eventually, all people will leave me. They will tire of me, just like everyone that's left before, and I don't blame them. I'm tired of myself. And I don't want to be alone, but I always end up that way and I'm waiting for it to happen again. Maybe this is my fate. Maybe God, like everyone else, has grown tired of me. I don't know what will become of me. My thoughts are too scrambled. And even though it seems I've said a lot here, this is nothing compared to what is in my mind. It's only that I cannot seem to get everything into words... and there are many things I'm not even sure words can describe. Maybe in the future I can find what it is that's missing in me... maybe I can believe wholeheartedly that I am loved unconditionally... that the people that matter most to me love me as I have loved them... and never will leave me. Maybe I will be able to trust in forever again... but right now... it hurts too much to try.
-And rain hid my tears as I cried, "Please... love me."-
K
Comments (7)
pangor
Have courage, this is a bad time, but remember that time is mercurial. Situations change and one day, these times will be but a memory and you will be stronger for having experienced them.
Syrup
You weakin my vineer just looking at your image,your story is indeed moving.But all is not lost there are many that care about you even members of this site I'm sure.Cheerup you are riding the emotional rollercoaster of life.Dream of the high points cutie.We look forward to seeing another image of you smiling. :B eaver !
TallPockets
"Why in the world would anybody put chains on me -- I've paid my dues to make it -- Everyone wants me to be what they want me to be -- I'm not happy when I try to fake it" (EASY - by The Commodores/Lionel Richie). Well written piece. T.P.
SusiQ
The person you can count on the most is yourself. You will always be around for you, so start with that single step. Start looking for the things you enjoy and not what others want you to do. Just remember that those things should be positive and should build you up and not break you down. If you enjoy the negative things, then start opening your life to the sunshine. Learn to love yourself again, then others will be compelled to be with you just to breathe! Put on dance music when you are feeling down and go wild, dance till you drop. Make a choice to be happy, only you can decide that. Work through your darkness and realise that light is out there. Hugs to you Kalli.
ppetersen
Kalli, remember always the words I left some time back, each person is special, unique a 'wonder' for there are no two people exactly alike on this planet. You are a special person, you feel, you touch your emotions, yet you feel deeper, cry more, but in all you are what is most important to you... How you are is not how others should see you, but how you are is how you create yourself. Create that beautiful Person I see inside you....
SantosD
and can it hurt too much to try to believe in forever with me? just wondering... cuz i know, and you know, that i already believe in forever with you
Wolfspirit
Your feelings are perfectly human, there is nothing wrong with you for having them, and we all experience themhumans have a word for what you're now experiencing it is calledResponsibilityIt weighs us all down from time to time However, to understand how another can love you that much intentional, responsible, unconditional, consistent love is blind in that it does not see your flawsand it is "responsibility" alone that forces you to see them and it is a normal part of growing older. Just as you can, have, and do loved/love another, greatly so has and can another loved/loves you in the same way. All humans are capable of this love and all humans have had experiences with it. Each human is unique, each are complex, each have something of value to teach another as we are all learning as we grow all the days of our lives. Thank you for sharing as it is a very responsible act of yours, posting your feelings as you have. That has provided those of us humans who read it and or comment on it in practice of intentional, reliable, responsible, unconditional love. In addition, those of your family who attempt to direct you love you unconditionally. They are trying to help you adjust to this new experience known as responsibility, even if to you for now, it may be unbearable. My best to you and yours.