Dear Self, I try to understand things too much, you know? Like...like why someone dies, or why someone else lives. Why certain things that should be happy for some reason sadden me. I was going through my little box of cards and things today, just to rediscover some memories, and came upon the last birthday card Poppa ever sent me. Said it was hard for him to remember, and that the birthday card was late, and that he was sorry. I wanted so much to tell him that it didn't matter, that it was a card from him and that's all that really put itself in my mind, that he could have sent it weeks late and I would have loved it still. I know he wasn't one for it, but at that moment I just wanted to hug him and tell him I loved him and that anything of his was a treasure to me. But...I couldn't. I just sat there and cried, so hard and it lasted for fifteen minutes almost. Even then it was all I could do to keep from breaking down again. How are there words to describe how much you miss someone? How are there words to fully articulate how much someone means to you? Would it mean anything if I drew a heart on a piece of paper and handed it to someone, and then pointed at them, as if to say, "This is my heart, it's for you, keep it, really, I can grow a new one if you break it"? I can't explain it. Maybe seeing Poppa's card today, after turning seventeen just a couple weeks ago, maybe it just...triggered some kind of sadness in me that I can't describe. I miss him. I miss him horribly, just to hear his voice, even once... Egad, there I go again with the emotional stuff. Ack. I'm out...more later. -Summer, age 17